


Her Champion

by beckyboo85



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, But obviously non Canon, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, I don't know what else to tag, I like to juggle some Canon stuff with the non Canon, Non-Canon Relationship, Probably total shit, Sexual Content, So much fluffing i may puke, Suicidal Thoughts, Trying to stick to the timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 19:35:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 46,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8297785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckyboo85/pseuds/beckyboo85
Summary: This was just something I felt like exploring. I feel like it's kind of shitty. Still a work in progress. *Update* I don't think it's as shitty! The Inquisitor kept herself off limits in regards to romantic relationships, she felt like there was too much at stake and couldn't risk losing her focus for a relationship. That was the plan until she met Garrett Hawke.





	1. We've only just begun

“So which one of these assholes around this place is your significant whatever?” Garrett Hawke asked me one night at the bar after we had returned from Crestwood. 

“Is this your way of asking me if I’m single?” I asked with a laugh as I finished off the rest of my ale. I turned my entire body towards him on my stool so that I could get a good look at his reaction. He smiled into his mug of ale and took a long gulp before slamming it on the bar and also turning to face me. 

“Yes, by the maker, I think I am. I just can’t imagine that a woman such as yourself could possibly be single,” he said with a laugh and ordered two more ales for him and I. 

“Is it so crazy that a woman would prefer to be unattached?” I asked with a laugh and took a drink of the new ale. 

“Yeah, it kind of is. But that shouldn’t surprise me, you’ve struck me as crazy since the moment I met you. You’re not like any woman I’ve ever met,” he said with a smile and turned back to face the bar. 

“So I hear,” I said with a grin and turned back to face the bar as well. 

I’d be lying if I said that Garrett Hawke didn’t have my attention from the moment I met him. I had heard that he was attractive, I knew that much before he arrived, but no one mentioned how funny he was, or what a complex personality he would have. There had been options for me around skyhold, several even. Some of my closest friends made it abundantly clear that they were quite open to a relationship with me. However, I had decided that while I was in charge of the Inquisition a relationship was not something I was interested in and no one really made me reconsider that. Until Garrett. I still wasn’t sure I wanted a relationship, and from what I heard he was involved with someone back in Kirkwall, but he definitely made me rethink my rule against relationships. 

I would occasionally stop by the tavern for an ale, making sure to always have an excuse for being there, but my real reason was always to see if Garrett was there. He usually was. We would have drinks, have some laughs, and we would always flirt. I began thinking that perhaps he was just a flirtatious person, an extremely attractive, funny, intelligent, flirtatious person. By the end of each night I would feel myself melting slightly more, until I was nearly a puddle. 

“So,” he said to me one night around the time I was going to leave. 

“So,” I said back, not hiding the lust in my voice. 

“So what are you doing after this?” He asked and let a hand slip onto my knee. I wasn't exactly sure why, but that kind of irritated me. Not enough to stop flirting with him, but enough to maintain my resolve of being unattached.

“Not you,” I teased to which he laughed and squeezed my knee, not removing his hand. 

“That’s what you say now,” he whispered and I let out a chuckle. I moved my hand down to take his hand in mine and lifted it off of my knee. 

“You know, I’ve heard a lot about Garrett Hawke, and you almost can’t hear the name Garrett Hawke without hearing about Isabella,” I said sarcastically, and dropped his hand. 

“Then you should have heard that there is no taming Isabella. She’s an incredible woman that could never be satisfied by one man. She made it abundantly clear that we were not a long term thing. We still go on adventures from time to time, but we’re not the love of the ages like Varric makes it sound,” Garrett explained. 

“And yet I received word that she’s agreed to work with the inquisition,” I replied. He just smirked at me and spun around so his back was leaning against the bar.

“Why are you suddenly so interested in my relationship status? Are you trying to ask if I'm single?” He asked making me laugh a little louder. 

“No, that was me letting you know that my breeches are not a pair you'll be getting into while you're here,” I said as I continued to laugh and ordered an ale. 

“Usually you cut yourself off and leave after three. That's your fourth ale,” he pointed out.

“I'm thirsty tonight. And I'm sorry, I didn't know I had to ask permission to drink however many drinks I'd like,” I said and slammed my money onto the bar.

“I never said you did, it was just an observation,” he said, spinning back around. 

“I'm not going to sleep with you while you're here no matter what your relationship status is or isn't,” I stated as I began drinking the new ale. He just scooted closer to me and leaned really close to my ear.

“I would really hate to turn you into a liar while I'm here,” he whispered and I had chills running up and down my spine when he did that. If he would have persisted, I would have been putty in his hands. He quickly pulled away and stood up. “Although, I do like a challenge. I'll see you tomorrow Inquisitor,” he said with a wink and left. I just let out a frustrated sigh and left the rest of my ale sitting there. 

I was never sure how Garrett did it, but he simultaneously infuriated me and aroused something in me that I wouldn't know how to fight even if I wanted to. I tried keeping myself away from the tavern, I tried avoiding him because i knew that if I didn't, I would end up being involved with him. One way or another someone would get hurt by that. He didn't seem like the serious relationship type, and I knew that I would pretend that I could be the casual sex type, even though I knew I couldn't. I only knew how to do serious relationships, which was why I was avoiding them as long as the Inquisition needed me. After a week of avoiding him, I heard a knocking at my door as I was getting ready for bed one evening. I expected it to be Dorian or Sera as either one of them were constantly in my room. I walked over to the door in my towel because I was trying to finish rolling up my hair for the night and I assumed it was one of the aforementioned people.

“So this is where the Inquisitor sleeps,” I heard Garrett say as he walked in. 

“What are you doing here?” I nearly shrieked. I was trying to remain calm, but it really startled me to hear his voice.

“I came by to see you? Expecting someone else? Did you plan a late night gentleman caller?” He joked. I threw my brush at him as a response. 

“Why did you come by to see me?” I asked, my annoyance obvious in my tone.

“I haven't seen you in a while, and just wanted to, I guess,” he said and took a seat on my bed before lying back, “fucking Maker, this is a comfortable bed,” he sighed.

“Garrett, I'm going to bed now, this isn't a good time. If you need to speak with me, you can schedule a meeting. Otherwise, I really don't have the time for this,” I groaned as I finished rolling my hair into knots. I stood up from my vanity to stretch and didn't notice he had also stood back up and when I brought my arms down he began massaging my shoulders. 

“You need to relax,” he said as I lowered my head and stopped resisting because his hands felt magical. 

“You must be using magic, that feels too good,” I sighed.

“Only a little,” he whispered in my ear, that's when I had to step forward and shrug him off of me. 

“You need to go,” I sighed and pointed at the door without looking at him. 

“I like you Elle, really like you. And I've missed seeing you. I came here because I'm tired of drinking alone,” he said taking a few steps towards me. 

“You have never seemed to have a problem finding company. Especially in the tavern,” I pointed out with a smirk. He smiled and took a couple steps closer until he was standing right in front of me. He brought one of his hands to my face and caressed it down to my neck. His other hand slipped around my back.

“Tell me you don't want me here,” he whispered staring intently in my eyes. I had to groan and roll my head back. He took that as an invitation and kissed my neck. I brought arms up to separate him from me and took a step back. 

“Part of me definitely wants you here, but that's not the rational part of me. I can't do this with you, not now anyway. I'm their leader, and I just can't,” I said without looking at him. He took a step forward and put a hand on my waist.

“You can lose control every now and then. You don't always have to be rational. In fact, it's a scientific fact that too much rationalism can be bad for your health,” he whispered as he gently kissed along my neck making me sigh. But then I regained control and stepped back again feeling the wall at my back.

“I can't do flings, or one night stands. I just can't. And i have a feeling that's all this would be,” I stated, and then moved across the room to open the door. “You should go,” I said.

“We could all be dead tomorrow, I don't understand that strict control of yours,” he grumbled, clearly frustrated.

“Is that the line you use as a last ditch effort? We could be dead tomorrow?” I asked with a grin and he looked up at me with a smile, those ocean blue eyes captivating me in instant.

“Is it working?” He asked as he leaned against the doorpost. I just laughed as I regained control and shook my head. “You're not just a fling, or something to pass the time. I like you Elle, you intrigue me,” he pointed out.

“Well, part of what makes me intriguing is my firm grip on my control. I'm not that easy, Garrett,” I pointed out.

“If you were easy, I would have had you at Crestwood. We're way past easy, my dear,” he said with a smirk and I just laughed. “people have noticed your lack of romantic involvement,” he pointed out.

“Fuck people, I don't care what they say about my lack of involvement. I'm not looking for a relationship, but that doesn't mean that _you_ should give up. No one has gotten this close before. If you were anyone else, you would have lost a hand tonight,” I explained. I then leaned in and gave him a kiss. 

“Okay then,” he said with a broad smile.

“Goodnight Garrett,” I said softly and closed my door. 

After that night I started going back to the tavern again. I went every night that I knew Garrett would be there. We grew closer with each passing day, and he showed he was willing to be patient, and wait for me to be ready, when he stopped making passes at me. He continued to flirt, but nothing beyond that. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. 

“So I couldn't help but notice you haven't hit on me since that night. Have you finally found the woman of your dreams?” I asked towards the end of the night one evening. By that point, we'd been meeting up every other day for three months.

“Maybe, I'm not totally sure yet,” he said, and I felt a little deflated when he said that, I should have known he wouldn't wait on me forever. 

“Oh, well congratulations. Perhaps our meetings are inappropriate now,” I said looking down at the bar as my self consciousness took over. Garrett just laughed.

“Why would these be inappropriate? What do we do that's inappropriate?” He asked, which made me feel even worse. 

“I suppose nothing,” I sighed as I set money down to cover my tab and then stood up to leave. I felt like an idiot. 

“This is new, I've never seen you exhibit anything but confidence and control, I daresay you look pouty right now,” Garrett observed before I could take my leave. 

“Stop, I'm fine. Just tired,” I stated. 

“Let me take you out to dinner tomorrow,” he said casually and set money down for his tab. 

“What?" I said, not hiding my confusion. 

“I'm asking you out on a date, Inquisitor,” he clarified. 

“Okay, then I'm confused,” I admitted.

“I was talking about you,” he said slightly condescendingly. I just rolled my eyes at him with a laugh. 

“You're impossible. Fine, I'll go on a date with you. I mean it's the least I can do since apparently I'm your dream woman,” I said sarcastically. 

“Oh, so it's a pity date then?” He asked with a grin 

“Well I'm glad we're the same page with that one,” I said with a wink trying to hide my excitement. He just chuckled and winked back. 

“I'll swing by your room at 7,” he informed me as I began walking away. I turned to face him unable to hide the glee on my face and just nodded at him. 

The next day I spent the entire day being nervous about that evening. I made sure to take plenty of time to get ready and I made sure that I looked fabulous. I wanted to make sure he remembered that date for a long time. I picked out the perfect dress, did my hair and make up perfectly. I had Dorian and Sera there to critique my work. Sera was no use because she just kept hitting on me, which I took as a good sign. Finally he arrived and I thought I was more likely to faint before I managed to answer the door. Luckily I refrained from fainting. 

“Fucking Maker,” Garrett gasped as he saw me. “If this is how you dress for a date, I can't wait to marry you. I can't even imagine what you could do for the wedding,” he said which caught me so far off guard i just burst into laughter.

“But we're not at all getting ahead of ourselves or anything,” I teased.

“Did I mention you look amazing?” He asked, clearly still in shock. 

“Do I look horribly disfigured normally? Maker, you'd think I had a transformation spell or something. Pick your jaw up so we can go to dinner already,” I continued to tease. He just wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close to him.

“I'm suddenly not hungry,” he whispered into my ear and inhaled deeply. I pushed him off of me and took a step back.

“Well I am. You asked me on a date, I expect a date,” I pointed out. I tried to hide how much I enjoyed having him so close. 

“Of course, Inquisitor,” he replied with a smirk and held his arm for me to take. I slid my hand into the bend of his arm and he led me to a table he had set up in the garden. It looked like an extremely romantic and intimate dinner. It was a small table lit by a candle and two glasses of wine already poured.

“You set all of this up today?” I asked, thoroughly impressed.

“No, I didn't set anything up. I worked it out over the past week to have set up today,” he explained and pulled out a chair for me to sit.

“How'd you know I'd say yes?” I asked with a grin.

“I didn't. If you didn't agree I was going to create a fake emergency to get you here. You saying yes was much easier,” he said and sat across from me.

“It's kind of impressive, I guess,” I joked, trying to act like it wasn't the single most romantic thing anyone had ever done for me. He smirked and reached across the table to grab my hand. When I did that i felt a feeling of dread and anxiety. I knew his intentions, but I still didn't feel comfortable taking a step further with him. I still didn't feel like I could handle the pressure of being the Inquisitor in addition to the pressure of a relationship. I pulled my hand back and shook my head I cast my gaze to my lap. 

“What?” He asked and I shook my head again.

“I shouldn't be here, it's not fair to you. I want to do this, I really do, but I just don't think I can. I feel like such an idiot,” I groaned, keeping my eyes firmly fixed on my lap. 

“Elle,” he said but I still didn't look up, “please look at me,” he said and I glanced up and was instantly caught by his eyes. “Now try to say that while looking at me and see if you believe it,” he said with that ever present smirk. I tried really hard not to smile back, but failed for a brief moment before regaining my composure. I shook my head. 

“I can't,” I said and looked away. 

“You can. I'm not asking you to commit to anything more than a nice dinner. We get along splendidly, we click more than any two people have ever clicked before. I'm only asking you to enjoy an evening with me,” he said and grabbed my hand again. I looked back at him and smiled as I nodded my head. 

“We've actually enjoyed several evenings together talking at the tavern,” I pointed out.

“So why are you freaking out over this evening?” He asked and I flashed him my bullshit look. 

“Because this evening is rife with obvious intent. Tonight it's officially a date. Tonight is way more different than just a change of location,” I pointed out. 

“So what, you've always known my intent. I've never hidden it from you,” he replied and I had to nod in agreement to that. 

“It's not _your_ intent that's changed,” I barely whispered. He smiled and leaned back in his chair as he nodded. 

“How very interesting,” he teased and then leaned forward again. “Can I kiss you?” He asked softly, leaning even farther over the small table. I nodded and leaned forward to meet his face with mine. I felt the air leave my lungs when our lips connected. I closed my eyes and felt myself soaring away from fear and control. “Wow,” he whispered after he pulled away. I felt my face burning red from the nervousness. I smiled and nodded and quickly drank the water sitting in front of me. 

“Are you anxious about our Western Approach trip next week?” I asked him. He laughed and leaned back.

“Maybe slightly. Nervous about what we may find there. But as long as you and Varric are there we can handle whatever we find. And the people you have here are good people you bring two of any of them, and it won't even be an issue,” he explained then had a question appear in his expression, “why, are you nervous?” He asked.

“I wasn't. I am a little now,” I answered honestly. He gave a small laugh under his breath 

“Good,” he says with a nod, “nerves keep you attentive, they keep you alive. I wonder how else I could make you nervous,” he teased, but his eyes looked hopeful. I laughed and finally felt myself relax. 

“You're just going to have to keep wondering,” I teased with a smirk and he laughed in response. Dinner was served shortly after. 

“You know, I think I get the lack of romantic involvement on your end,” he said while we were eating.

“Do you? Please, tell me of myself,” I responded back sarcastically and he just flashed me a grin before continuing. 

“You've said it's because you would struggle to balance the two, but i think you're bullshitting people with that. You're afraid of having something to lose in this fight,” he pointed out. 

“Why do you say that? I have people here that I'm already afraid to lose. I have friends here closer than any friend I've had before,” I pointed out.

“It's not the same. They're near your heart, but ultimately your heart is still your own. To give that to someone else, I think that's what scares you. Then you'd really have something to lose,” he speculated. I nodded and thought about what I was going to say. I clasped my hands on the table in front of me and met his eyes.

“Definitely an interesting theory. I'm so glad that my personal choices inspire such speculation by others. You know, I'm used to everyone else around here interjecting their opinions on why I'm single instead of just asking me, but, I don't know, I didn't think you'd be like everyone else. I can tell you all the many reasons people have decided I'm single, none of which are simply because I choose to be. None of them are that i choose to dedicate myself to this cause. I don't want the distraction because truthfully every person we lose takes a piece of me with them. My heart hasn't been my own for a long time, it belongs to every person here. I love every person that has pledged their service to me, I care deeply for all of them. I'm not going to risk a single person's life simply because I was distracted by my personal life. No, that thought never occurs to anyone. It's that I'm too afraid, too hurt, too cold, or some other term denoting weakness. Excuse me if I'm not completely blown away by your observation, there's so many floating around out here,” I said and his face expressed his regret for what he said while I was talking but I didn't care. I was offended because I hated when other people tried to tell me about my own thoughts and feelings.

“I'm sorry, you're right. That's not how I meant it,” he said.

“I know how you meant it, but I don't like for people to tell me how I feel,” I said. 

“I wasn't trying to, or at least i didn't think I was trying to. I should have asked how you felt and why you thought you avoided relationships instead of superimposing my own thoughts. This is what I love about you, you challenge me. When I'm being a dick you call me out on it and then make me see it differently. So are there any other reasons you avoid relationships?” He asked and i had to smile.

“If you would have asked me that to begin with, I could have told you the last relationship I was in was a bad one. And maybe a small part of me is afraid of going through that again. It's easier to dedicate myself completely to the Inquisition,” I said.

“What made your last relationship bad?” He asked. I sighed deeply as I debated whether or not to tell him. 

“It started out as an arranged marriage, but then I actually grew to like him. Turned out he just wanted to control me by any means necessary because he thought women were meant to be controlled by men,” I briefly explained.

“How did it end?” He asked me.

“Once I saw him for what he was i let him know quite clearly that I was not going to be controlled by him or anyone else and there wasn't a woman weak enough to be weaker than him for him to control. I did it all with a blade to his throat. I felt foolish because i actually had fallen in love with him, I actually wanted to marry him,” I admitted.

“How did you find out?” He asked, intrigued by the story. 

“We were attending a ball where he drank entirely too much and said he couldn't wait to marry me and finally be the one to bring me to heel. He said this to all of our friends. I'm not sure if he knew I was in the room when he said it or not. But we talked about it the next day when he was sober, that was when he told me women were meant to be controlled, and I was an embarrassment to my family which was why they were marrying me off to him. So I pulled a blade on him and told him the truth. It wasn't much longer after that when I stumbled into the temple of sacred ashes on that fateful day,” I concluded.

“Wow, what an asshole,” Garrett said and it made me laugh. 

“I never thought I'd be able to laugh about that,” I sighed and quickly drank the contents of my wine glass. 

“I'm glad you are. I'm also glad you gave me your perspective,” he said and reached across the table to hold my hand again. That time it felt comfortable, so I allowed it. We talked a little while longer before I realized how tired i was. He agreed it was late, so we stood to leave. He held his arms open for a hug and I gladly accepted it. He wrapped his arms around me and I slipped my arms around his back. We stood there hugging each other for a long time. I felt so comfortable with him that I moved my arms around his neck and tilted my head up to kiss him. He eagerly returned my kiss.

“Thank you for this,” I whispered after pulling my lips away from his. 

“No, thank you. I always find my eyes are a little more open when I get to spend time with you. Even more this evening. I always value that and I value you. I care about you very much Elle,” he said as he kept his arms around me but looked deep into my eyes as he said that.

“And I you,” I replied. “Let's do this again, I have dinners I must attend for the next several evenings, but the night before the Western Approach, let's do this again,” I suggested as I stepped back parting from the embrace. He nodded and turned his gaze to his feet and then back up to me.

“How do you make me so nervous? I honestly can't remember being nervous in my life, but you can do that to me. I thought I was the mage here,” he chuckled and ran his hand nervously through his hair. I just had to laugh. 

“I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm a confident person, you know I am, but you definitely have gotten under my skin Serrah,” I joked. He grabbed my hand and began walking me back to my room.

“I have had something I've been meaning to ask you. We clicked almost instantly, why did you let me in and no one else?” He asked. 

“i don't know, mostly because you have been the only person I've actually felt something with since this all began. I didn't even mean to let you in, you were there before I realized it. And maybe a small degree of hero worship originally caught me off guard. You know, I grew up in the Free Marches, not Kirkwall, but not far enough away that I didn't hear of the heroic acts of Serrah Garrett Hawke. You were a legend,” I admitted and began blushing as we continued walking.

“I was your hero?” He asked he asked with a cocky smile.

“I wouldn't go that far, you were _A_ hero. I may have slightly admired the tales of you single handedly defeating the Qunari, one on one combat with the Arishok, it was all so romantic,” I sighed as we arrived to the door to my quarters off of the main hall. “Thank you for a lovely evening Garrett,” I said with my back to the door. 

“Are you ever going to call me Hawke like everyone else does?” He asked and I laughed and shook my head.

“No probably not,” I teased. 

“I should probably see you all the way to your room to make sure you don't get injured or ambushed along the way,” Garrett said as he leaned in closer to me. 

“The only threat of physical harm are these heels and I plan on taking them off as soon as I'm past this door,” I chuckled.

“Perhaps you need help removing other articles of clothing,” he suggested with that glint in his eyes. 

“I've been undressing myself without any help for a long time,” I whispered.

“If I give you a goodnight kiss here, people will talk,” he pointed out causing me to laugh loudly at his persistence. 

“You could tell me i would see the maker if only you could step foot into my room, and the answer will still be no,” I said leaning harder against the door.

“I may not be able to make you see the maker,” he whispered and leaned even closer until his shoulder was against the door next to my head and his head bent down so his mouth was just at me ear, “But I will definitely make you scream his name,” he continued to whisper, and it absolutely turned me on in an instant when he said those words. I just sighed with a smile and looked away.

“Somehow, I don't doubt that. But it's still a no,” I whispered as I looked back at him, directly in his eyes.

“Can I kiss you goodnight?” He asked, still whispering and still dangerously close. 

“I'd be a little pissed if you didn't,” I teased. He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close to him as our lips clashed together. I pulled an arm around his neck partly because I was afraid I'd lose use of my legs as they felt like rubber. When he kissed me I felt it throughout my entire body, it left me completely dazed and I loved that. 

“Goodnight Inquisitor,” he whispered he pulled away. “Oh and if you want, bring something for me to sign next time. I always love meeting new fans,” he added and I just slapped his arm.

“Such an asshole. Yeah, goodnight to you too, kindly fuck off,” I teased with another wink and before I even registered his movement he was kissing me once more. We both let that kiss get a little deeper and last a little longer. That kiss really left me breathless. I could only stand there staring at him as he walked away. I finally gathered my senses and laughed lightly before running up to my room.


	2. Again for the ones in the back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisitor struggles with insecurities and they threaten the course of her blossoming relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There had been a mistake in my writing, and I'm going to correct the first chapter to reflect that. But they weren't going Adamant next, they were going to the Western Approach. Just in case anyone happened to read the first chapter before I corrected it.

“Did you fuck Hawke on the throne last night?” I heard Varric ask behind me the next morning as I was having breakfast. It caught me so far off guard that I spit my tea across the table onto Cullen. 

“Oh maker, Cullen I'm so sorry,” I shrieked and tossed him some napkins as I turned around to look at Varric. “What are you talking about?” I demanded.

“That's what people are saying. You and Garrett snuck down to the main hall and did the nasty on the throne not caring who saw,” Varric reiterated. 

“Fucking Maker. No, I mean we kissed, but that's all. No nasty was done last night between me or anyone for that matter,” I insisted. 

“I don't know, I heard we were charging admission for the people that were watching,” Garrett said with a laugh behind Varric as he entered and they both began laughing even harder.

“This isn't funny,” I all but screamed and then saw the look collusion on their faces, “So of course you guys are fucking with me. I hate you both,” I said and turned back around to make sure Cullen got wiped up. Garrett squeezed in next to me and placed a hand on my leg. 

“Good morning,” he whispered and leaned in to kiss me, but I pulled my head back. I was not a fan of public displays of affection like that around my friends, and I was humiliated by what he and Varric had just done. 

“Not the time or the place, Hawke,” I stated firmly, but everyone was already staring at us. “Okay, fine, yes Garrett and I went on a date last night, there now you all know,” I quickly admitted not wanting the entire group to focus on it. 

“About bloody time,” Dorian called out and everyone laughed. 

“Everyone who laughed, which I'm assuming is all of you, are all on my shit list now, congratulations,” I said as I stood from the table and took my dishes to the kitchen before heading to do some sparring practice with Cole. I needed to get out of there and get some fresh air. When I felt embarrassed like that I felt like I was suffocating and I had to extract myself from the situation.

“Wait up, I didn't mean to embarrass you,” Garrett called after me as he followed me out. 

“And yet,” I muttered without slowing down.

“I'm sorry Elle, will you please slow down,” he asked as he caught up with me, so I stopped and stared at him. “I was just really excited to see you this morning. I told Varric about it, and he thought playing a joke would be funny,” he explained.

“Well, I'm so glad that my being the butt of your joke was so amusing for you. I've got to go I'm late for sparring with Cole,” I stated trying to maintain my cool, and I started walking again. 

“I'm sorry,” he called out.

“You already said that, maybe try meaning it next time,” I replied without turning around to face him. 

There was not much that I hated more than being embarrassed, so I began thinking our date as a mistake. Usually training with Cole helped clear my mind, because I usually had to have a clear mind to get any training done with Cole, but it wasn't working that day. As a result he couldn't focus, and we just had to cancel it. I was distracted throughout the rest of that day because I could only think about what had happened that morning, and how I was wrong about Garrett. Finally, while I was meeting with Cullen he decided to say something because it was apparent that I was distracted.

“Are you upset over what happened this morning?” He asked as I was trying to read a report, but it was the third time I had read it and I still didn't know what it said. I let out a frustrated sigh and set the paper on his desk. 

“Yes, somewhat, but also really confused,” I sighed and sat back in my chair, tilting my face to the ceiling. 

“What are you confused about?” He asked, so I tilted my head back down to look at him. 

I couldn't deny how attractive Cullen was. I was extremely attracted to him when I first met him, but he and I never could hit it off. We tried, but we lacked the chemistry. He ended up coming across as boring, and i just couldn't get around that. Instead, we became good friends which I valued so much more.

“He humiliated me this morning, and that was just our first date. I like a degree privacy, and he couldn't wait to go run off and tell people about it. I wanted to keep whatever we were doing private for a while to see if there was even anything there, but now I don't know. I'm angry at him. Last night was really wonderful, and since the breakfast incident I've only felt embarrassment, Ave confusion. If this is what dating Garrett is like, then maybe he's not for me,” I unloaded. I had wanted someone to talk to the entire day, so once he asked it all came out like word vomit. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dump all that on you,” I apologized.

“You don't have to be sorry, we're friends, and I'm always happy to talk, even if I am slightly jealous of Hawke,” he said with a smile, only adding to my guilt, “truthfully, I'd love to tell you he's just a jerk being a jerk, but I don't know Elle. If the night went wonderfully, maybe he just had to tell the first person he came across. He probably didn't know you liked your privacy,” Cullen said and I just nodded. I'm sure it made sense to him, but it still didn't to me. 

“I just don't know what to do,” I sighed.

“You have two options. Give him another chance, or don't,” he said. 

“I think I may have rushed into this,” I admitted.

“No one could confuse your pace for rushing. You two have been meeting in the tavern for a couple months now, ever since Crestwood, and last night was your first date. That's not a rush by any means. I know for whatever reasons, you have avoided relationships, but sometimes they're unavoidable Elle. From what I've observed, you both have a great connection and that doesn't come around everyday. Look at us, we were both attracted each other, on paper we would have been a great couple, but all the physical attraction in the world couldn't replace that connection. We definitely tried to force a connection that one night,” he said with a grin making me blush and laugh. 

“Physically, we fit pretty well,” I replied as I recalled our brief affair. I felt like I was blushing head to toe as I thought about it. 

“Don't worry, it will always be our little secret,” he whispered and I just smiled at him. 

“Thank you, Cullen," I said as I reached across his desk to squeeze his hand. 

I left Cullen's office that day with mixed feelings, I was still confused about Garrett and what I wanted to do, and I was also slightly aroused by the tail end of our conversation. I had almost forgotten about our brief physical relationship. We discussed it and both agreed that friends was better for us. But I could never just be friends with Garrett. I realized that after going on that date, feeling everything I felt on that date, I could only either move forward or end it and have no relationship with him at all. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had to end it. One date and I had been distracted from all of my duties the entire day. One date and I already felt myself succumbing to something much deeper than a fleeting romance. So i didn't go to the tavern after my dinners that week. I was going to postpone cancelling the upcoming date to see if I felt differently about our situation, but i never did. So the morning of the day we were supposed to have dinner together, I sent a message to him cancelling. I kept it as polite and professional as I could. But I quickly realized polite and professional maybe made it worse when he came barreling into my quarters shortly after receiving the message. 

“Serrah Hawke,” Garrett began angrily reading after he barged into my room, “I regret to inform you that I must cancel our engagement this evening. I must remain focused and vigilant for the Inquisition, and that leaves little time for fraternization. Inquisitor Trevelyan. Is this some kind of joke?” Garrett asked still quite angry, his anger had been escalating as he continued to read.

“Did it read like a joke?” I asked calmly, maintaining control of myself. 

“Well I sure as the void didn't laugh. Is this because of that joke? Because I haven't seen you since, and that would be extremely shitty to blow this off over a stupid joke,” Garrett said and for some reason that set me off.

“You completely embarrassed me, do you not get that? I can handle just about anything, but being embarrassed in front of my closest friends made me feel like shit and you didn't even get that. So I decided maybe I was wrong, maybe you don't get me like I thought you might have. What you thought was a stupid joke humiliated me,” I yelled at him standing from desk and slamming my hands down on the flat surface. “And you didn't even give a shit enough to find out why you hadn't seen me,” I added as I sat back down. “This is exactly why I decided to remain uninvolved while leading the Inquisition,” I added once more.

“I apologized for embarrassing you,” he insisted.

“You apologized but you didn't care. Typical Hawke i guess,” I said snidely. 

“I guess it is. Maybe you're right, maybe this was a bad idea after all. Everyone knows the Inquisitor is just an unlovable ice queen,” he muttered and turned to leave, I was deeply offended and quite infuriated so I jumped up from my desk to yell him.

“Go fuck yourself, Hawke,” I yelled him as he walked away. He stopped and turned back around and slammed his hands on my desk.

“No, you go fuck yourself Inquisitor,” was all he said and I couldn't hold back the laughter when he said that. I expected something more after his slamming of his hands and stomping across my room, but that was his comeback and I just started laughing. 

“No, you can go fuck yourself Inquisitor? That was all your had?” I asked as I laughed. I could see him soften slightly as I laughed. I then sighed and leaned back and held my arm over my eyes. I was considerably less angry after my laughing fit. “I can't do this Hawke, that's all I know to tell you,” I added.

“I thought I hated you calling me Garrett, but I'm finding that I actually hate you calling me Hawke,” he said as he pulled a chair out to sit. “Why can't you do this? What is so hard about this?” He asked softly. I pulled my arm down and sat up and looked at him to see if he was serious.

“You're stupid joke has had me in turmoil all week, trying to decide what to do. I'm afraid that I am not cut out for a relationship,” I admitted.

“Well, you could have always just talked to me about it,” he pointed out. I shook my head.

“My stomach is in knots right now talking about it. Having you here having to have this conversation makes me feel like I'm going to throw up,” I said and laid my head down on the desk. “Was that dinner amazing, yes, I never felt more connected. But then to have that immediately followed by a feeling of complete disconnect? How does someone process that?” I asked. I then stood up to get some water because I really did feel like I was going be sick.

“I am truly sorry I did that. I should have known how you felt about your privacy and it wasn't my place to out us that morning. I just let my excitement take over,” he said.

“And that's a problem. I am a very private person, which is why so many people speculate on my love life. If you can't reign in that excitement, this will never work. What happens when we sleep together for the first time? Are you just going to run and tell the first person you see? That worries me,” I explained and sat back down at the desk. “There is something thrilling in and of itself sharing what we have only with each other, but now I'm scared that we can't have that,” I added. 

“That's understandable, I suppose. So what do we do then? I can't not be excited about you, and about the idea of us. And I know that no matter how logical and controlled you are, you felt something ignite between us that night,” he asked.

“How can you be so sure? I'm just an unlovable ice queen, right?” I asked, it had deeply hurt me to have him say that to me.

“Ah, fucking Maker, i never should have said that,” he said and I felt a tear escape down my cheek. I shook my head and spun my chair around so I didn't have to face him while I tried to gather my emotions. “I'm sorry Elle, I just lost control. I was so angry that I was losing you before I even had a chance have you,” he said. But the words unlovable ice queen kept echoing in my head.

“Maybe you're right, maybe I am,” I sniffled.

“I know you're not. Can we please just forget I said that?” He asked. 

“How can you know that? You don't know me. And can someone just turn off feeling deeply hurt by what they heard? Because if so, then I may be able to forget,” I said sarcastically and he just sighed deeply. 

“I just know. Is there anything I can say to make this right?” He asked.

“I honestly don't know. You should just go. I have a lot I need to do today for our journey to the Western Approach tomorrow,” I said, still facing away from him. He stood up and I thought was leaving but he was walking around the desk and kneeled in front of me and wiped away a stray tear. 

“How would I know that you're not unlovable?” He whispered to me and leaned in to kiss me. I closed my eyes as I kissed him back. I felt his hands rest on my knees as we continued kissing, and they slowly made their way up my thighs and then around my back resting just above the curve of my backside. I then pulled away and rolled my head back and his hands remained on my back, holding me close.

“Are you trying say you love me?” I asked incredulously with my head still rolled back.

“You'll have to have dinner with me to find out, I guess,” he said and I just laughed in response. 

“Fine, you win. Come by around 7, Garrett,” I said and he inhaled sharply.

“How do you make Garrett sound so sexy?” He asked and pulled me even closer to kiss me again. I just pushed him away until his hands were no longer on me. 

“Get out of here before I change my mind,” I laughed. He jumped up and acted like he was going to run out the door. 

“I'm gone, but first,” he said and bent down to kiss me again and pulled me to my feet. I smiled into the kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck. I decided to mess with him by pressing my body firmly against his causing him to groan. “You are a fucking desire demon,” he groaned into my ear which sent electric jolts of arousal throughout my body. 

“Don't call me an unlovable ice queen again,” I whispered into his ear. 

“Never,” he agreed. I held onto him a little while longer, revelling in the scent of him, the feel of him, all of him around me. I knew I would have a difficult time trying to. give him up. 

I didn't have a chance to be nervous about our date that time because I really was extremely busy. I didn't even have time to change before dinner, in fact I was nearly late. Garrett had actually arrived before I had. He was sitting at the table staring out over my balcony, and apparently hadn't heard me come in. I stood there staring at him and felt myself sinking deeper into what i felt for him. He we simply sitting there, no defenses, no sarcasm, no jokes, just him. There was pain in his eyes and it broke my heart to see. I finally cleared my throat because it was having a strong effect on me. He jumped up and made his way over to me. 

“Lovely of you to finally make it to your own dinner,” he teased.

“I'm sorry, it's been such a crazy day. I didn't even have time to change, I'm sure this is a massive let down compared to the last date,” I muttered.

“You always look phenomenal,” he whispered before wrapping his arms around me. “But if you wanted to take off your clothes, I'm not going to stop you,” he said causing me to laugh.

“Well that's useful information,” I teased and tilted my head up to kiss him. He sighed and slid his hand into mine and led me to the table where he poured us some wine.

“Crazy day, huh?” He asked, and I sighed and nodded as I took a seat. 

“What were you thinking about before I came in? Because you looked pretty lost in thought,” I asked and sat next to him. He grabbed my hand and locked his fingers with mine. He sighed deeply and looked back out over the balcony. 

“Just thinking about my life in Kirkwall,” he replied.

“What about?” I asked softly. 

“My mother and my sister's death, my brother joining the grey wardens, Isabella. I may have understated our relationship. We were in love, she thought she was willing to commit, but she wasn't. So maybe part of me might be kind of afraid too. Just thinking about everything. Mostly thinking about you, how I wished you could have met my family, and how I'm actually glad Isabella realized monogamy wasn't for her. Strange train of thought,” he said and squeezed my hand as he spoke.

“I would say I wish you could have met my family, but they were actually pretty awful. You didn't miss anything,” I said causing him to laugh, and then heard the serving staff enter to begin setting out our dinner. “This is nice,” I whispered and he looked over at me with big smile.

“It really is,” he agreed. 

As they served dinner we continued talking and drinking. We talked about our lives before we got swept up into our stories, talked about what we hoped for after our stories were finished. We basically talked about any topic that either of us thought of. After we were finished eating he reached across the table to hold my hand as we continued talking and drinking until the bottle of wine was empty. I finally stood up and stared out over the balcony. It was a magnificent sight, even at night. The moonlight reflected off the mountains and it was truly breathtaking.

“It's so beautiful here,” I sighed. He stood up and stood behind me. I felt him rest his head on top of mine, one of his hands rested on my hip and his other hand locked fingers with one of my hands.

“You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,” he whispered as he nudged my head to the side and began kissing my neck. I pressed my body back against his and then grabbed his hand on my hip and moved it up to cup my breast. I then leaned my head back until it was resting on his shoulder.

“This is as far as you're getting tonight,” I whispered and we both laughed. He took a step back and took a deep breath. 

“For a second you really had me going there, I should have known better,” he chuckled as he paced my balcony. 

“Yeah, you should have,” I responded softly and grinned at him. “A couple more dinners, and who knows how far I may want to go,” I added, and could see a fire light in his eyes. 

“We have at least two weeks of travel ahead of us, let's have dinner every night,” he whispered and moved closer to me again. I just laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck. 

“I'm sure I won't have time for anything more than shoveling food in next to the fire before crashing in my tent for the night. But I won't say it's impossible to find a day or two on the way to the Western Approach,” I explained and kissed his cheek and then i kissed his neck causing him to groan a bit. 

“You better be careful with all that teasing,” he growled into my ear and wrapped his arms around my back and pulled me close to him as he bent his head down to capture my lips with his. I so enjoyed kissing him that I let it continue longer than I should have. I could feel his reaction against my abdomen. I pulled away and laughed a bit. 

“Just be a little more patient,” I tutted as he turned around to get control of his body once more. He coughed trying to clear his throat to talk.

“Believe when i say I've never been more patient for anything in my life,” he replied and began pacing again. “You are so confounding,” he added.

“It's part of my charm, my dear,” I teased and he laughed.

“Don't i fucking know it,” he laughed. Then he turned around and his face shifted to a more serious one. He grabbed my hands, and looked me in the eye and began to speak, “Elle, I must confess something to you. I lo-.”

“Nope. Not here, not now,” I said interrupting him the moment i knew what he was going to say. 

“You don't know what I was going to say,” he teased with a grin, all seriousness drained from his face. I let out a sigh relief.

“Oh, I definitely knew what you were going to say. After this morning, and after this week, it's not time yet,” I said.

“Well what i was going to say was that I love these curtains, and I needed find out which pattern you were using,” he said trying to recapture the seriousness, I just erupted in laughter. 

“When we get back from the Western Approach, I'll set you up with the pattern,” I teased and and grabbed his hand to squeeze it, then his face was serious once more.

“That thing you wouldn't let me say, I actually think I do, just so you know,” he said and squeezed my hand back. I nodded in acknowledgement and let go of his hands.

“That's why I stopped you, I want you to be sure when you say it,” I informed and moved to the door. “we should probably call it a night, we have to head out at dawn,” I added. He nodded and followed me over to the door. 

“Goodnight kiss?” He asked hopefully. 

“How about I walk you down the stairs and kiss you there. I'm beginning to think my bedroom wasn't the ideal place for a date. It may have sent the wrong message,” I thought aloud, causing him to laugh. 

“It made me wonder about a few things,” he said with a smirk.

“It's just where I normally have my dinners, I didn't even consider it sending the wrong message. Probably because I don't use my room for anything like that,” I added with a laugh, causing him to laugh as well. 

“Well not yet, anyway,” he teased, while also sounding incredibly sexy. I just rolled my eyes and laughed while I opened the door to let him out. 

“Come on, let's get you out of here before your perverted mind goes into overdrive,” I teased causing both of us to laugh.

“Not a bad idea,” he agreed and led the way out the door and down the stairs. He stopped at the second door and turned to face me. “Another fantastic night,” he pointed out. I leaned against the wall next to the door and nodded in agreement.

“Pretty wonderful,” I verbally confirmed. He placed his hands on my hips and leaned in closer and rested his forehead on mine as he sighed deeply. 

“There's nothing I enjoy more than spending time with you,” he said and paused thinking about those words, “There's one thing I enjoy more, but we'll get there,” he added with a smirk. I smiled and bit my bottom lip knowing what he meant. “You're so sexy,” he groaned as he pulled his head back. 

“And can you believe I'm not even trying?” I teased and laughed. 

“I can believe it, I think it's what makes you so sexy. There's just something about you that has had my attention since the day Varric brought me here,” he said.

“Good,” I stated with a smile and tilted my head up to kiss him. He kissed me back and then pulled his head back with an accusatory look.

“I'm supposed to be the one giving the good night kiss here,” he accused and I laughed.

“Well you were taking forever to get there,” I teased. He then smirked and slipped a hand down to the small of my back to pull me closer to him, holding my body against his. 

“A goodnight kiss cannot go too fast, trust me,” he whispered in my ear as his other hand slid up my back and down my arm to my hand. He pulled my hand up to the back of his neck. He switched hands on my back, and moved my other hand to the back of his neck as well. He then put both of his hands on my hips and slowly tilted his head down to kiss me. While our lips were busy his hands ventured lower until they were resting on the curve of my back side. His hands then began squeezing and kneading the flesh and without thinking l thrust my hips forward slightly to press into his. It caused him to squeeze my back side even harder and pull me even harder against him. Finally I had to pull away to take a breath. I kept my hands around the back of his neck and rested my head on his shoulder. He brought his arms up to wrap them around my back and rested his head on top of mine. “Goodnight,” he whispered. I continued to hold on to him because I didn't want him to leave. I finally sighed and gave one more squeeze. 

“Goodnight,” I whispered back. I started to pull my hands down, but he squeezed his arms around me, holding me tightly to him. 

“I thought if I said goodnight, it would help me leave, but maker help me, I'm not sure I can let go,” he said and I laughed. I turned my head up and gave him another kiss putting a lot more into it. He immediately responded, and moved his hands back down to my hips. I saw the opportunity to make him let go, I took a big step to the side and opened the door as I did. He just laughed at me. “Dirty move, Inquisitor,” he said with a smile. 

“That's the we needed sleep, and one of us had to do it, move,” I said with a smirk. He bent down to kiss me once more and then walked away. “Goodnight,” I called after him before I closed the door. I had to lean against the closed door for a moment while my lungs remembered how to breathe properly, and my heart attempted to slow down. I let out a deep sigh below I finally made my way back up to my quarters.


	3. Love Me Like I'm Not Made Of Stone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garrett and Elle grow closer until they stumble upon an obstacle that seems insurmountable to Elle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some smut-ish... Probably as smutty as I'm going to get with these two because it turns out their story isn't really about sex. Trust me, I was just as surprised by this...

The next morning we began our journey to the Western Approach. In all the journeys I've taken to the Western Approach, I could never call a single one enjoyable. I'd go as far as to say that I truly hated the journey to the Western Approach almost as much as I hated the Western Approach. That trip, however, was different. 

Garrett and I rode beside each other or walked beside each other the entire journey. We would flirt, make inappropriate jokes, and have serious discussions. We talked about everything. During that journey it felt like Garrett became so much more. He wasn't just someone I was romantically interested in, he felt like a best friend I'd had my entire life. Since I spent all the traveling time talking with him, there would always be much for me to handle or address once we made camp which meant I never had any time for a dinner with Garrett on the road. One evening as I was devouring some of that night's left overs, after all of my inquisitor business, Garrett happened to get in a few words before I planned to pass out in my tent.

“You weren't kidding about being busy,” he pointed out as he sat next to me. I just smiled and nodded as I continued to eat. “I'm also beginning to worry that you're part mabari,” he teased poking fun at the way I was eating and it made me laugh.

“Fuck you,” I mumbled with a mouth full of food and it made us both laugh. I finally finished and tossed the bowl into a pot of water to be cleaned. “I wish I had more time, but because I spend all day fucking around with you when we travel, I have to do all that important boss stuff as soon as we camp,” I explained as I felt the exhaustion deep in my bones. I groaned and rolled my head back. Garrett quickly stood up behind me and began giving me one of his magic massages. 

“You're tired aren't you?” He asked as he continued and I hummed an answer.

“I'm struggling to maintain consciousness,” I confirmed with a moan, a reaction to the massage. 

“You just need to relax, you feel tense and I can't even imagine how you must ache,” he said softly.

“Not while you're massaging me, is that your healing magic?” I asked with another moan. 

“Kind of a combination, a little healing, a little fire,” he replied. 

“You haven't said one vulgar thing yet, who are you?” I asked when I realized I was about to doze off, so I cracked a joke as an attempt to keep myself awake. 

“I'm thoroughly enjoying making you moan,” he whispered into my ear which caused a tingle to race through my body. I moaned once more a bit exaggerated just for him. “Mmhmm,” he hummed to my response which made me laugh. I finally had to stand up because I wasn't going to make it.

“Thank you,” I whispered and wrapped my arms around his neck. I don't know if it was the exhaustion or a combined effect with that massage, but in that moment I thought I was in love with him. I didn't say anything, I just nuzzled him a little more. 

“Can't you stay a little longer?” He asked.

“I wish I could, but I really am on the verge of just going unconscious. We spend all day together talking, shouldn't you be grateful for the breaks in the evening?” I asked him with a smirk.

“Not at all. I want to spend every day and every night that I have with you,” he whispered and squeezed his arms tighter around me. I pulled my head back to look him in the face trying see if I could divine the truth behind his words. He just smiled at me and kissed me. 

“You could come with me, no sex or anything, but you could lie with me if you want,” I softly suggested. He didn't say anything, he just nodded and let go of me to slide his hand into mine. “Is everything okay, Garrett?” I asked him more seriously. He chuckled a bit. 

“Yeah, just some nightmares I've been having,” he confessed. I squeezed his hand in mine and didn't say anything else. I led him to my tent and fell asleep the moment my head hit the bedding. 

After that night, his sleeping in my tent became part of our routine for the last half of the journey. Occasionally, when I wasn't as exhausted we would get a tad frisky, but never anything too much. Garrett sleeping in my tent was surprisingly innocent. What I loved most about Garrett was that I never felt pressured to have sex with him. He would tease, joke, and suggest when it came to sex, but he never made me feel like the relationship was lacking without sex. If anything, his teasing, joking, and suggesting made me feel more comfortable saying no to him. And it made me feel more and more comfortable overall with him. He made me feel like it was completely my choice when our first time would be. Any other relationship I had been in before Garrett, there was this constant urging and expectation that sex would come become part of the relationship sooner rather than later. One day while we were walking our horses and could have more personal discussions, the topic came up. 

“I've been meaning to thank you,” I began as we walked towards the back of the caravan. We were able to stand closer together which provided slightly more privacy.

“What for?” He asked. 

“For your patience,” I replied hesitating to explain any further than that.

“My patience for the food line? Trust me, that's more of a forced patience, turns out if you cut in line people want to fight you, and when you fight you, _you_ get sent to the back of the line,” he teased.

“Well that would require me giving a shit about the food line,” I retorted causing him to laugh. 

“Then you must be referring to my patience with your snoring,” he continued to joke. 

“I do not snore,” I shrieked while laughing.

“You're probably talking about how many hours a day I stare at your ass while doing nothing about it,” he said both seriously and seductively. I swore he used magic when he did things like that, because it somehow reached deep inside me and sent electric sensations straight to my center.

“Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I just want it to be perfect, you know? So thank you,” I explained feeling slightly uncomfortable. 

“This is weird and new for me. I'm kind of known for my bedroom conquests. I'm sure you've noticed, but I'm pretty smooth,” he teased causing me to laugh and he then continued, “All jokes aside, though, everything is different when it comes to you, Elle. I'm in no rush, and I don't expect anything. If you wanted to never experience the amazing ride that my body is, and I'm betting your body is too, I'm surprisingly okay with that. If all I ever get is holding you as you sleep for the rest of our lives, I'm perfectly fine with that. But our bodies together could probably warrant a new addition to the chant because it would be that incredible,” he explained and by the end of his statement I was both laughing and crying. He looked alarmed and put his arm around my back, “I didn't mean to upset you,” he said. 

“You did the very opposite of upsetting me. You actually made me really fucking happy,” I said with a smile as I quickly got the tears under control. “It's going to happen, but I just really appreciate that you don't put pressure on me to get there. It means a lot to me, just so you know,” I added.

“Well you mean a lot to me,” he said, it was extremely cheesy, but it still made me smile ear to ear.

“You might mean a lot to me too, I guess,” I said sarcastically and bumped his shoulder with mine. 

“But I have to tell you, your ass is exquisite. I would wait for that thing forever,” he added just to make me laugh, and it worked.

“Thanks Garrett,” I whispered and quickly kissed him. 

“We arrive at the Western Approach tomorrow, are you so excited?” He asked and I laughed at him.

“Well, it is THE Western Approach, I could shit myself I'm so excited,” I exclaimed with fake enthusiasm, and he burst into laughter. 

“I heard you mention you had stuff to do before meeting up with Stroud, right?” He asked and I nodded. “Well I actually am going find Stroud as soon as we get there because I just want to make sure he's okay, you know? And we also need to observe what's going on before we act. But that means parting ways when we get there,” he explained. I just groaned. 

“Responsibility is the absolute worst. What am I going to say? No, let a varghest eat him? So i won't see you again until I'm ready to meet up with you guys?” I confirmed and he nodded. “I hate that,” I stated and made a pouty face.

“Me too, but imagine how grateful and happy you'll be to see me again. Oh wait, my fantasy may not have the same effect for you as it does me,” he joked to which I burst into laughter. 

“You never know, it might, how do I express my gratitude and happiness in this fantasy?” I asked pretending to be ignorant of his implications. 

“In the best filthiest ways possible,” he said with a grunt. I grinned while I imagined our reunion. He smirked at me after a moment, “You’re really thinking about it, aren't you?” He accused and i just blushed and laughed.

“What? No! Well, I mean, not no exactly,” I stammered causing him to smile. 

“You're fucking adorable when you're awkward like that, just so you know. Fucking. Adorable,” he said and bent his head down to kiss me. 

Shortly after that we decided to make camp for the night. I proceeded to be swamped by scouts, messengers, military officers, and anyone with anything to say. I groaned knowing this was the last night I had with Garrett, I had made up my mind that I wanted to be with him that night. Eventually I just delegated it all to Cassandra since she was there. She gave me a disgusted noise, but I knew she loved being in charge. I then ventured off to find Garrett, but I was having trouble doing so. Finally I started asking around, and I learned he went to gather firewood, so I went off to find him. I wandered around calling his name ever so often. The moment I felt the hand firmly muffle me, I immediately regretted being so reckless. I began struggling until I felt lips on my neck and another hand creeping over my abdomen. I finally broke free and spun around to see Garrett. 

“You are such a dick,” I said but it came out much softer than I intended. He stared at me in the eyes not saying anything. The eye contact was quickly unraveling me and I flung myself forward and wrapped my arms around him as I kissed him. He grabbed me by the waist and then began lowering me down onto the ground. The kissing grew deeper and more desperate, it was no longer enough to squelch that desire in the pit of my belly. His kissing trailed to my jaw and then to me neck, his hands then ventured down to my thighs followed by my knees as he pulled one up and wrapped my leg around his waist. I picked up on what he was doing and wrapped my other leg around his waist and gave him a squeeze with them. He quickly returned his mouth to mine as one of his hands began creeping up my abdomen and then my breast. He slowly but firmly began kneading that breast when we were interrupted.

“Inquisitor, Hawke? You're needed at camp,” a scout called out to us.

“To the fucking void,” Garrett groaned as he rolled off of me. I just sat up to see the scout, I waved to acknowledge him.

“We'll be there in just a moment, thanks Jim,” I called to him and fell onto my back for a moment while I took a deep breath. I then rolled my head to look over at Hawke. When our eyes met we both just laughed at the situation. He shook his head and then stood up to his feet to help me to mine as well. Once I was on my feet I wrapped my arms around his neck, he pulled his to my waist and we both sighed. “Truthfully, I think I would have hated for our first time to be on a pile of sticks and sand,” I whispered into his ear and he roared with laughter.

“How about we never have a go on sticks and sand. That was a terrible idea,” he agreed and grabbed my hand as we walked back. 

The next day we arrived at the initial camp within the Western Approach all too quickly. I just stood around while Garrett prepared a horse for his journey to find Stroud. I wanted nothing more than to ride off with him and just handle this, but they needed to observe what was going on, and I had my own responsibilities in the region. We had several locations we needed to check. It was moments like that in which I hated being the Inquisitor. Once he was finished he grabbed me by the waist and rested his forehead on mine. 

“It's funny how much has changed in two weeks,” Garrett sighed. I sighed in response and nodded. “I'm going to say it now,” he whispered. I looked up at him with a smile on my face and nodded. “I love your hair,” he said and I just burst into laughter. 

“You're such an asshole. I love your hair too,” I said sarcastically and he laughed and squeezed me tighter into a hug. 

“I'll say it after we're done with this maker forsaken place,” he said and then kissed my forehead. I reached around his neck to pull myself up and kissed him on the lips. 

“Well just so you know, I wouldn't have had any issues hearing you say it today. But then will be fine too, I suppose,” I whispered into his ear. 

“I may need to grope you several times before I leave, just to tide me over,” he whispered in my ear. I laughed and nodded. 

“Fine,” I groaned, and suddenly his hands were moving everywhere on my body entirely too fast to be considered a grope which caused me to laugh even harder. He soon stopped with a smile on face and then held me closer.

“I'm going to miss you so fucking much,” he sighed.

“That thing you're going to wait to say, I do too,” I said.

“You love you too?” He asked incredulously.

“Obviously,” I teased and we both had a laugh, “I'm going to miss you too,” I sighed. Finally he kissed me. We both held each other tightly through the kiss. “I don't want to let go,” I whispered causing him to kiss me again, as he did he reached up and pulled my arms off of him. 

“You have to let go some time, Inquisitor. Go on and be the boss and shit, you'll find me soon enough,” he whispered and kissed my forehead before jumping onto his horse and riding off. I stood there and watched him ride off until I could no longer see him. 

“Don't look so down, boss, we'll meet back up with him in a week or so,” the Iron Bull said as he clapped a hand on my shoulder. I sighed and turned to face him. 

“I'm just concerned that all we've had is two weeks together, maybe that much time apart could undo it all,” I pondered out loud. 

“Two weeks? You guys have been crazy about each other since Crestwood. He must be pretty good in the sack to be the only person to bring that out in you,” Bull speculated.

“We haven't actually slept together yet,” I admitted and Iron Bull looked totally stunned. 

“Seriously?” He asked incredulously, “I could have sworn you two hooked up in Crestwood, I thought that was why you were both suddenly so crazy about each other,” he added. I just shook my head. 

“We've only elevated our relationship to dating a few weeks ago, and the trip down here felt like another big step forward,” I explained.

“I've seen him come out of your tent every morning of this trip, you're telling me he's not giving it to you good?” He asked, still shocked about the lack of sex. It made me laugh.

“No, Bull, I haven't had sex with Hawke,” I reiterated.

“Then how do you know you're into him? Shouldn't sex be the first thing you do?” He asked looking genuinely confused. 

“I usually make sure I like someone before I go there,” I said.

“And then what if you do that and the sex is terrible? Then what?” He challenged.

“If the connection is strong enough, then sex is just secondary anyway?” I attempted to explain, unable to even convince myself. 

“I'm calling bullshit on that. If the sex isn't good than that's not a relationship, that's just good friends or some lame shit. If you want my advice, and even if you don't, I suggest bedding him sooner rather than later. You strike me as someone who really enjoys good sex,” he said matter of factly.

“Has there ever been a person not enjoy good sex?” I asked and he laughed.

“That's a good point. I hear Hawke is pretty good, though, why waste that?” He asked with a chuckle and it made me laugh. 

“We just about made it there yesterday but Jim interrupted us,” I explained.

“Fucking Jim,” Iron Bull said and I nodded in agreement. 

The Iron Bull, Cassandra, Dorian and I made our way out to locate some artifacts and help a professor locate a dragon. I waited on killing this dragon until Iron Bull was with me. I knew he would have been pissed off I did it without him. Also having Cassandra around was always useful when it came to dragons. Slaying dragons was always exhilarating and terrifying. Nothing made me feel more alive than dragon slaying. We spent several days luring the dragon. Once we were done with the dragon we had to spend a day resting and then we headed off to meet Hawke and Stroud, but we ran into several venatori, and every beastie the Western Approach had to offer. It ended up taking several more days. By the time we reached the meeting point it had been a week and a half since I last saw Hawke, and when we approached the two I ran the rest of the way to Hawke and he caught me by the waist and spun me around. As happy as he seemed to see me, I could tell he was worried. He informed us that we needed to get up there fast, and so we did and uncovered the hideous plan of the venatori and the grey wardens. I was sick to my stomach after what we witnessed and who all we had to kill. Stroud and Hawke were even more upset by what we discovered. 

“Stroud and I have to ride out to Adamant to scout out the situation. We can meet back up with you at skyhold,” Garrett said softly after the fight was over. I placed a hand on his arm. 

“Are you okay?” I asked, and he looked up at me with a half smile.

“I'm always okay,” he said, but then his face contorted to anger, “I'm always okay because I do what I think is right, but how many times could this have been one of my decisions? I despise them for turning to blood magic, but they thought they were saving the only thing they cared about. I almost started a war with the Qunari just to save Isabella, I can't even imagine what I would do to save you,” he growled and hit his head back against the wall he was leaning on. 

“I'm not someone who's going to need saving, Garrett, just so we're clear on that. I'm not worried about a decision of yours ever leading something so horrific,” i stated firmly.

“You don't know all the things I've done, you barely even know me at all. You have no idea what I'm capable of,” he nearly yelled. I just glared at him searching his face for anything to tell me he didn't mean what he said. I finally just shook my head and turned around to head over to my traveling party. 

“Come on, we'll finish up here in the Western Approach. Hawke and Stroud will head to Adamant so we can figure out what needs to be done,” I stated and began leading the way to the nearest camping site. I could tell they ask wanted to ask questions, but they also knew I was pissed and didn't say anything, which I'd never been more grateful for. 

I was trying to make sense of what I was feeling. I was angry, I was sad, I felt heartbroken. But Hawke was right, we hadn't known each other long, there was no way we could know each other all that well. I tried to tell myself that it was no big deal, I was wrong about Garrett and it was better that I knew now, and it didn't matter. I tried desperately to believe all of that, but didn't stop me from crying myself to sleep. It didn't stop me from thinking about him and what he said over and over again. I felt like an idiot, I couldn't believe I had been so naive to think I had actually been in love with him, and even worse to think he'd been in love with me. I realized that I was just another conquest for him. I decided he must have thought I wasn't the one for him. I couldn't force him to want to be with me, and I wasn't going to. The more I thought about it, the more I exaggerated the situation in head, the more I convinced myself I didn't want to be with him. I came up with a lot of flimsy excuses why I didn't want to be with him, they were all mostly inaccurate, but they became my mantra.

I can't be with him, he tells stupid jokes.

I can't be with him, he never shaves.

I can't be with him, he's actually too good looking.

I can't be with him.

My down time became exercises in coming up with reasons why I couldn't be with him, or didn't want to be with him. I kept coming back to a main one. I didn't want to be with him because made me feel like shit. 

We spent another month away from skyhold, we were in the Western Approach two more weeks, and the journey home was almost two weeks. I knew Stroud and Hawke would have already returned, so when the day approached that we returned to skyhold I became nervous about what may happen. I was mostly nervous about seeing Hawke. My traveling companions reassured me that I would be fine, and he was an asshole that didn't deserve me. I knew it was just what you say to friends, but it still felt good to hear. 

The moment we crossed the bridge to skyhold, Hawke was the first thing I saw. He was leaning against a post, talking to some recruit, and when we entered he glanced up at me and smirked. He had the audacity to smirk at me. I didn't respond in any form. I proceeded to the stable to leave my horse and then went out of my way to avoid Hawke on my way to meet with my advisors. Seeing him had a strong physical effect on me, my heart was racing, my temperature felt elevated, and I was having trouble breathing. I just wanted to never see Hawke again, but until we finished this mission, that wasn't possible. I decided that I needed to get it over with, and called a war council meeting. When I made my way to the war room, Hawke was waiting in the hall, and I felt all those physical responses again. 

“What are you doing here? This is a war council meeting, last I knew, you weren't on the war council,” I said to him making sure to keep an even tone. He grinned at me and took a step toward me, but I gave myself away by taking a step away from him and holding my hand up to stop him from coming closer.

“No, I'm not on the war council, but you need the information I got on Adamant. You're obviously upset with me, what's wrong?” He asked actually looking concerned. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked, completely astounded that he genuinely didn't know why I was upset, “Try to remember what the last thing you said to me was. Then you'll answer your own question. I cannot believe you,” I cried. 

“I said that I was afraid what I'd do if I ever felt the need to save you,” he said, clearly confused.

“You told me that I didn't know you at all, let alone what you were capable of,” I pointed out. Hawke just shrugged. 

“I was upset, and we haven't known each other all that long was all I meant,” he argued. 

“Hawke, before you went off with Stroud, I could have sworn you knew me better than anyone. Time had no bearing on that. And then when you said that it felt like you were telling me I was wrong to think that,” I said feeling like I was going to break at any moment, but I was really proud of myself for keeping it together. I didn't wait around for him to think of a response, I just made my way into the war council meeting. 

We got on with the meeting, Hawke gave us his information and we formulated an attack plan. It sounded risky, but it was the best possible plan we could come up with. I felt confident in our plan and decided to go ahead with it. I just wanted Hawke gone at that point, it was going to hurt too much to see him every day. When we decided to begin getting prepared for the operation. It would take about a month to get everything prepared. I left the meeting and tried making a beeline for my room. 

“Wait,” I heard Hawke call after me.

“What do you want Hawke?” I asked after I stopped in front of my door. 

“I want to talk,” he replied.

“Haven't we done enough talking? Especially when none of it even mattered? That's time I'll never get back, so pardon me for not wanting to waste anymore time,” I stated flatly. 

“Come on, I was upset when I said those things,” he pleaded.

“And I was upset after you said them. But I'm not upset anymore, it is what it is Hawke. It was a fun idea, but we should just move on,” I sighed.

“You don't mean that,” he said, looking hurt. 

“Do you remember what you said you were going to tell me after we survived the Western Approach? And then to have you say what you said. I decided you were right, we don't know each other well enough,” I explained, and then when he was going to say something, I had to add on, “And please don't say it now just to try to make up for this.”

“I won't say it, but I did that day, and I still do today. I'm not just going to give up, Elle. I'm not going to let you just push me away. I'm so sorry that what I said hurt you, I'm angry with myself because apparently for the last month you thought we were done, and that's my fault. But we're not done, we're only just beginning, Elle. When I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, that wasn't just a line to try to get into your breeches. I've known I wanted to marry you since the time we spent in Crestwood. If you were anyone else, I would not be standing here, I wouldn't be trying to hard. But you're not anyone else. You're the love of my life, of that I have no doubt,” he demanded.

“But you just left. You didn't even spend 5 seconds trying to reassure me of anything. You told me I didn't know you. I don't know why you saw so much of yourself in what happened there, so I decided I didn't know you, and this just isn't the time to try to take this any further. You can't already know I'm the love of your life,” I said sounding defeated. 

“I didn't mean that, Elle, I was angry by what the grey wardens did. One of my companions did something just as bad, and I guess I just flashed back. When I said you didn't know me, I meant that side of me, the regrets. In spite of that, you still know me better than anyone,” he continued to plead, and tried grabbing my hand. I instinctively shook it loose. I hated that when said that, it actually made sense, which immediately made me less angry.

“What Anders did wasn't your fault. You can't hold yourself responsible for his actions,” I said softly. I finally reached and took his hand, he looked up at me and squeezed my hand as he pulled me closer.

“I can, I do. He was a close friend, and I didn't see what he was doing. I should have stopped him, but I didn't. I should have just said that you at the time instead of what I did say. I'm so sorry,” he whispered and pulled me as close as I could get and wrapped his arms around me. I brought my hand up and wrapped then around him. “I keep saying the wrong things, but I don't mean to, and I will try to continue doing better, I swear to you,” he added. 

“Between now and Adamant, I just don't see any time for us. And what will you do after that? I'm sure staying with the Inquisition isn't a part of your plans. I guess i just don't see the point in trying to fix this, or continue this,” I whispered with my head against his chest. 

“We're worth a shot no matter the circumstances,” he whispered back and kissed the top of my head. For some reason I thought of what Iron Bull had said about sex, and I began thinking maybe he was right. 

“Do you want to come upstairs and talk? I have a couple hours of downtime,” I suggested and looked up into his eyes to judge his reaction. He squeezed his arms that were holding me and nodded. 

“I think that's a good idea,” he said as he released me and grabbed my hand as I led the way to my room. Once we were in it I pulled off my armor and put it all away. I then fell back onto my bed and realized how much I had missed lying on a bed. He decided to lie down next to me. I rolled over onto my side so that I could face him.

“So, what should we talk about?” I asked with a hand on my waist, I was definitely trying to be seductive, but i wasn't sure if it was working. So I propped myself up on my elbow and forearm. He smiled at me and brought a hand up to run through his hair. 

“Well I think I know what you want to talk about, and I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I actually don't think right now should be the time. I think we actually need to just talk,” he said and i couldn't help laugh. I was actually grateful he said that because I felt incredibly uncomfortable. I let out a sigh of relief and fell back onto my back on the bed, but he mistook that as frustration, “I don't want you to regret doing this now before we've resolved this,” he added.

“No, I'm actually grateful you did. Iron Bull told me that I shouldn't get in too deep before I have sex in case it's bad sex,” I explained and blushed furiously as I did. I finally just covered my face with my arm as we both laughed. 

“I can assure you that I've had no complaints. From what I can tell, I am actually pretty decent in that department, so no worries,” he teased.

“I suspected as much,” I smirked.

“So you've put a lot of thought into having sex with me?” He asked with a laugh. 

“On occasion, late at night, when I'm alone in my room,” I teased, not hiding the lust in my voice. It was his turn to let out a sigh.

“To the void, woman, you are making this saying no thing very hard,” he moaned.

“Coincidentally very hard could also describe those late night thoughts,” I said and arched my back a little as I thought about it. 

“Maker's balls, Elle, you can't keep up this line of conversation,” he groaned and covered his eyes so he couldn't see me. 

“Speaking of the maker, one night you told me how you could make me scream the Maker's name, and sure enough, you did, several times that night even,” I continued to goad. He finally rolled over and leaned over me as his lips clashed into mine, his tongue gaining access immediately. I pulled my arms around his back and squeezed myself hard against him. He then pulled my hand down to feel how hard he was.

“Saying all this doesn't make me want you more, it's impossible to want you more. Saying all these things just whittles away at my self control. I don't want to lose control with you, I want to prove to you I am capable of controlling myself,” he whispered into my ear. 

“Lose control. I want to lose control too. All this control just makes things hurt more. It makes you hurt me more. Maybe if I could just lose control, then you couldn't hurt me as much as you do,” I whispered back and began to cry. I pushed him off me and stood up to go stand on the balcony while I let a few more tears escape. A few moments later I felt his arms wrap around my abdomen.

“I don't want you to lose control. I'm sorry I hurt you, it was not my intention. I should have just told you I loved you instead of what I did say. In my stupid little mind, when I told you I was afraid if what lengths I would go to to save you, I thought I was telling you I loved you,” he whispered into my hair. 

“That is really stupid,” I replied causing him to laugh and then leisurely bend his head to my neck where he began peppering kisses. 

“I have missed you more than I knew was possible to miss a person,” he whispered. I brought my hands up and rested them on his forearm. I also let my head fall back to rest on his chest. 

“I was too busy convincing myself you didn't want me to miss you,” I said honestly and then twisted around so that I was facing him and pulled my arms around his neck. “I should have made you stay to talk to me. I should have told you then that what you said hurt me. Same as when you embarrassed me in front of everyone, I should have just talked about it. But I'm so used to closing myself off when I'm hurt that it's hard for me even consider not doing that. But it would be unfair of me to let you carry the whole burden of the blame for this,” I confessed. He just kissed me in response. That kiss was a bit more fervent and hungry. I pressed my body against his while our lips were locked. “I love you, Garrett,” I whispered when I pulled away from the kiss. I looked him in the eyes when I said it, and maintained eye contact while he searched my face to see if I meant it. 

“I love you so much,” he replied and kissed me even harder as his hands began roaming my body. He eventually backed me against a wall as he continued to grope and caress, but the moment I began trying to unfasten his shirt he paused. “I still don't know that this is the right time,” he sighed.

“When is the right time? Is there ever a right time?” I asked and he squinted his eyes suspiciously at me.

“Have you been taking notes? Because that definitely sounds like one of my lines,” he teased and I couldn't hold back the laughter. I didn't respond, instead I began slowly unbuttoning my shirt and slipped it off of my shoulders. I then turned away from him as I slipped off my breast band and walked towards the bed. Before I made it to the bed I also slipped off my breeches. I sat on the bed, only in my small clothes and pulled an arm across my chest covering up my breasts. 

“I'm ready, and i actually think doing this now will help me feel better about us,” I said. He just stared at me for a long time before physically shaking himself.

“But what if it doesn't. What if it actually makes things worse. What do we do then?” He asked. 

“We find something else,” I said with a shrug of my shoulders. Then his face lit up like he had an idea. 

“Or we try something else now. Lie back,” he instructed and I complied. He then pulled my small clothes down and took a few moments to fully appreciate my nude form. “Beauty like this could make a person believe in the maker,” he sighed as he pulled my legs over the side of the bed and rested my knees in his shoulder. He then began to demonstrate that sex wasn't the only way to feel pleasure. His tongue and fingers queued in unison to bring me to completion several times over. Finally I had to make him stop because I wasn't sure I could take much more. 

“If that's what you can do with your mouth, I cannot wait for the full package,” I said with a smirk and he just laughed that and then climbed on the bed to lie next to me. I rolled onto my side and pulled his arm over my waist. “Thank you, Garrett,” I whispered right before I fell asleep. It had been a long time since I felt that relaxed and that sated. I woke up several hours later feeling more relaxed than I had in quite some time. When I woke up, Garrett was lying next to me staring at the ceiling. “You're still here?” I asked with a laugh.

“Where else would I be?” He asked as he rolled over to face me and absentmindedly reached over to caress my naked chest. I sighed slightly at his touch.

“Working on the Adamant mission, we have a lot to do and not much time to do it,” I answered and then began moaning when he pinched my nipple. He then leaned over my chest and took a nipple into his mouth. 

“You're so much more interesting and important than all of that nonsense,” he said when he pulled his face back up to mine to kiss me.

“It is the fate of the world at stake,” I pointed out with a laugh.

“And this here with you is the fate of my world. I'm not leaving this room until I know that we're good,” he insisted. I sighed and couldn't hold back my smile. I then rolled over until i was astride him. I then began unfastening his shirt again and he brought a hand up to stop mine. “You don't have to do this to prove a point anything like that. I only want you to do this is you're completely comfortable with it,” he stated. 

“Believe me when I say I want this more than anything,” I whispered as I began rotating my hips on top of him. He let go of my hands to let me continue and rolled his head back as I continued moving. I slowly but surely removed every fiber of clothing from his body and had to pause to equally appreciate his naked form. I bent down to kiss his slightly hairy chest and then I took turns taking his nipples into my mouth. I then reached down to grasp his hardness and guide him to my entrance while I was still straddling him, but he stopped me and rolled over so that he was on top of me. I immediately wrapped legs around his waist.

“We can't rush our first time,” he whispered before bending down to kiss me deeply. He brought one if his hands to cup the side of my face while he continued to kiss me. He then rolled our bodies so that we were both lying on our sides holding each other. His hands slid to my back and he pressed me firmly against him. We were lying there like that for a long time. It felt like we were melding into one person. To me, it seemed to be the most intimate act ever performed. I didn't believe in soul mates, but in that moment I felt as though our souls were identical, I felt as though we shared one soul. I began crying while we were lying there and I began kissing him. He wasn't concerned, he seemed to understand, he just wiped away my tears and kissed me back. “What are you thinking about?” He asked. I debated for a moment whether I should tell him, and decided to just go with it. 

“That you might be my soulmate,” I whispered, and he just kissed me even faster and deeper. 

“I think you might be mine too,” he sighed before continuing the kissing. “Are you ready?” He asked a moment later, I eagerly nodded and smiled at him. He positioned himself to enter me and pulled my leg on top of him even higher up when he hooked his elbow with my knee, and then he pushed himself inside of me. It felt like pure ecstasy and caused me to cry out and squeeze him tighter. “Are you okay?” He whispered.

“I'm perfect,” I sighed.

“Maker yes you are,” he groaned in return as he pulled himself out and pushed back in again. Here maintained a slow but steady pace at first, clearly wanting to take his time. I didn't mind at all because he was affecting me on so many different levels, his slow pace was actually perfect so that it gave me time to come back down to earth to experience completely. I finally began digging my nails into his back as a signal that he could pick up the pace, and he did just that. He reached down to stimulate my clit as he thrust in and out faster with each thrust. He quickly brought me to orgasm, and he followed close behind. I let out a loud moan as I stretched my entire body after we were done. Every part of me felt relaxed and complete. “Sorry I couldn't last longer,” he sighed.

“Garrett, when I say that was perfect, it's not too build up your already oversized ego. Maker knows you don't need that, but for this moment between you and me, it was perfect,” I groaned still feeling pleasant little aftershocks of my little death. He just laughed loudly and nodded. Before either of us could say anything else there was a knock at the door.

“Inquisitor, Lady Montiliyet needs to see you,” Jim the recruit called outside my door.

“Okay, thank you Jim,” I called.

“Does she need me too?” Garrett called.

“Oh, Lord Hawke is that you?” Jim called.

“Yes Jim,” he replied.

“Well then yes, she needs to see you too,” Jim corrected.

“How long have you been there Jim?” Garrett asked causing me to laugh.

“I won't tell anyone, I swear, I just didn't want to interrupt again my lord,” Jim answered bashfully. 

“Good man Jim,” Hawke called with a deep laugh that somehow turned me on all over again.

“Anything else my lord and my lady?”

“No Jim, thank you,” I called and then burst into giggles. Garrett smiled at me when I did.

“You seem happy right now,” he pointed out as he brushed a few strands of hair out of my eyes.

“Happy, postcoital, same thing,” I joked and he smiled.

“I mean you just seem different,” he whispered and kissed my cheek and then pulled me to lay on his arm. I let out a sigh and smiled at him.

“My first theory is that I had a lot of pent up sexual tension, and this is just that euphoria of releasing that,” I explained as I cuddled closer to his chest to play with his chest hair.

“What's your second theory?” He asked.

“My second theory on why I'm so happy is that I realized something about you and I that I have been trying my hardest to deny this past month,” I said.

“Which is,” he said urging me to continue.

“That you and I are meant to be together,” I whispered. “And I know how crazy that sounds. I have always laughed at people that said that. And 90% of the time it was probably warranted laughter. I never thought something like this existed,” I clarified. He just stroked my arm instead of responding. 

“I was a little younger than you when I met Isabella. She was by far the most beautiful woman I had ever seen at that point. I let her beauty blind me to all of her flaws, and there were plenty. I mean the woman nearly brought about war with the Qunari. I was with her for 10 years, I swore I was in love with her. But Isabella only had one true love, and that's Isabella. Which I do admire that about her, but it didn't leave me a spot. So we went our separate ways. I didn't think there could ever be a person that could know me like Isabella did because we had that history, we had all that time together. I was wrong. You said it best today, time has no bearing on how well someone could know you. She may have known me longer, but you know me best. I may have loved her longer, but I love you the most. Since Varric introduced, you have all I've been able to see, all I've wanted. And it wasn't just because of how beautiful you are, but something drew me in from our first encounter. Something that hasn't let me go yet. While we were lying there you said you thought we were soulmates. I think that's the only thing that can explain what we have,” he softly explained while continuing stroke various parts of my body. I was deeply moved by his words and couldn't form any of my own, so I pulled his face down so I could kiss him. “Now come on, we have to get dressed and go see Josie. I guess the fate of the world can take up some of our time,” he teased which made me smile. I stood up when he did and kissed him again. I needed him to know how much his words touched me, but I didn't know how. I finally felt able to talk I tried to let him know.

“What you said touched pieces of my heart that I didn't even know were there,” I said softly and kissed him again. He grinned at me when I said that.

“Good, that means those pieces will only ever be touched by me. Now that I have you, I'm never letting you go,” he exclaimed and wrapped his arms around me. Once he set me down we began locating our clothes to go talk to Josephine. I began that day feeling lower than I ever had only to be brought to new heights. I didn't fully understand how that was possible, but there was one thing I was certain of, I was completely in love with Garrett Hawke. If only I had considered just what could be lying ahead of us.


	4. The Wounds Only Time can Create

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elle and Garrett take turns forcing the relationship down paths neither imagined they would ever go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was rough. I hate it, and I've tried rewriting it a dozen times, but it always ends up here. It took a while because once I saw the direction it was heading, I didn't want to go down it with these two. Lots of angst with a brief fluffy moment in between. If you hate it, I understand, I hate it too.

Garrett Hawke was something I never could quite figure out. He could make me feel happy and loved in ways I never knew possible. Yet there was also a way his words could stop me completely in my tracks as I crumbled to pieces. When his words tore me apart, it would generally be a misunderstanding on one or both of our parts, so it made navigating a relationship with him quite difficult. He made me laugh more than anyone ever had, but he also infuriated me like no one else. I.n spite of all of that, in the month leading up to Adamant, I felt like I had finally reached the pinnacle of happiness. All the love, the fighting, the laughing, the insufferable people we were each other, all of that combined into one of the most real, most honest, and pure relationships I’d had in my life. Ultimately, he made me feel more me than anything ever had. I wasn't afraid to be my true self, I wasn't afraid to yell at him when he pissed me off, I wasn't afraid of saying anything that popped into my mind. Although the closer we got to our Adamant mission, the more I could see he was keeping something to himself. Especially the three days before we were to leave, it drove me crazy until I felt that I had to address it.

“I wish you would tell me what's bothering you,” I said the night before we were to leave. He and I were sitting in my room polishing our armor and weapons. He didn't immediately answer, he glanced up at me and sighed as he finished up what he was working on. “That bad, huh?” I asked as my mind began running a million miles per hour imagining what he was going to say. 

“Yeah, it kind of is,” he said and set down the piece that had been in his hands. 

“Well, I'm all ears over here,” I replied.

“I don't think this is working out,” he stated as he stared at something on the floor and then out on the balcony. 

“You're going to have to elaborate on that one, because I must not understand what you're saying,” I said before I lost my cool, but the rage was already boiling just below the surface. He shook his head before pulling himself to his feet and pacing my room. 

“I mean you and me, I don't think we're a good fit. I think we should go ahead and end it before we get too invested,” he muttered without ever looking in my eyes. I stood up and began pacing myself.

“So that's just it huh? You told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, but sure, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Is this because I'm not good in bed? Or what?” I asked immediately feeling self conscious as though something I did caused this and the inky thing that really changed most recently was our sleeping together.

“Maker, no. You're wonderful in bed. I did say I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I shouldn't have,” he stated finally looking me in the eyes and I could have sworn he looked like he was in more pain than I was. I shook my head unable to process what he was telling me.

“Then I don't understand. I thought you loved me, you told me you loved me. Did you meet someone else? Did I do something? You don't just break up with someone out of the blue without a reason and I need a reason from you Hawke,” I stuttered and finally began crying, but I turned away from him to try to hide it. I felt his hands run down my shoulders and arms.

“Sometimes there are no reasons. There's not another person, and it's nothing you did. It just isn't going to work is the reason,” he whispered and I shook his hands off of me and wiped my tears away angrily as I spun around and slapped him. I was furious and I needed to start lashing out, I needed him to feel more pain than I was feeling.

“I can't believe I wasted so much on you, and you didn't deserve it. I would rather go back to being the unlovable ice queen if it meant I could erase you and get all that time back. You've done nothing but waste my time. Gather your things, Serrah Hawke, you are no longer welcome with the Inquisition,” I stated trying to keep my voice as cold as I could. He hung his head as he gathered his armor and walked towards the door.

“After Adamant, I won't return,” he says solemnly.

“No, you're leaving the Inquisition tonight. We don't need your assistance in Adamant. After you gave us your information on Adamant the only use you served after that was warming my bed when I desired. Aside from that you're quite useless aside from telling really terrible jokes,” I said with my arms crossed over my chest and adapted an icy tone to cover up the immense pain I felt in my chest.

“You need me in Adamant,” he argued and I laughed bitterly.

“That's cute that you think you're important. You gave us all of your information, and you're not our strongest mage a long shot. So how exactly do we need you?” I asked condescendingly, he shook his head in response and stormed out of my room. 

When Garrett slammed the door I was so enraged that I grabbed the nearest object to me and threw it as hard as I could at the door and I let myself open the floodgates to release all of the emotions that needed to pour out of me. I crumbled to the floor in a heap of tears and sobs. I didn't understand why he did this, I knew he had to have a reason but I didn't know what it was. I went over everything in my head from the past week, everything we'd done, everything I said, anything that could explain this. A person doesn't confess their undying love for someone just to turn around and break it off for no reason. I needed some insight and I only knew of one person that could provide that. 

“Varric, please explain to me why Hawke would just up and end our relationship,” I demanded as I approached him while he was sitting at a table to write. He looked up at me and a appeared as confused as I was.

“He did what? Why would he do that?” Varric asked and I held my arms up.

“Kind of the reason I'm here,” I pointed out.

“Wow, I honestly don't know, starshine, he hasn't said anything to me. As far as I knew he was crazy in love with you. Where is he now?” He asked and I immediately felt the guilt over what I did get caught in my throat. 

“He left,” was all I said. 

“I'll write him and try to find out, but I swear to you I don't know any more than you do,” Varric says and reached across the table to squeeze my hand, it almost made me lose it again right there. I just nodded and wandered back to my room to sulk. 

I wanted to scream until I didn't have a voice, I wanted to go out and kill every bad thing that got in my way, I wanted give up and run away. But I didn't do any of those things. Instead I curled up into a ball on my bed and cried until I fell asleep. 

The next morning as we began our mission to Adamant, and I tried desperately not to think about Hawke. The task proved quite difficult when several people inquired about his location throughout our traveling. Since Varric was the only person that knew, he fielded a lot of the questions for me. He helped keep me distracted by constantly checking that we had everything needed, he had me go over the plan several times, even had me discuss battle tactics I was going to try to use. He was a saint that day. By the time arrived at Adamant the battle was already underway so I quickly went to talk to Cullen who informed me I should find Hawke and help with the choke points.

“Hawke's here?” I gasped.

“He left the night before with the recruits, and good thing too, he's been the only thing really helping us keep the demons at bay. You need to get in there and help him,” Cullen informed me and I just nodded and led my group inside. 

As soon as we passed the main entrance I fought like I was possessed, there was nothing that could slow me down. The only thing I could think about was the need, the utter desperation, to save Hawke. Everything he had done and everything that was said the night before was gone, I could only think about making sure he survived. I fought as though it were my life in jeopardy on those battlements, not his. No matter what he had said the night before, he was still my heart, and I didn't realize that until I was ass deep demons. It wasn't until we got to the second level that I finally saw him when our eyes found each other and he grinned at me. I quickly carved my way through the demons get to him.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded the second we had cleared out the demons and I began looking for anything we might need. 

“I had to see this through, and I had to make sure you didn't kill yourself,” he said with a smirk and at the same moment we both remembered our situation because as I felt the light in my eyes dim, I looked up and saw the same happening to him. We both averted our eyes.

“What does my living or dying matter to you?” I muttered. That's when we finally made eye contact and I saw a fire ignite within in for just a moment.

“A great deal actually,” he said just before we stumbled upon another group of demons. 

“We'll stay here and take care of these, you go help the recruits,” I called to Hawke. He nodded and ran off follow my orders. 

We fought so many demons and finally came across some grey wardens that we were able to talk sense into and they joined our battle. Often times it felt like the fighting was never going to end. We fought our way all the way through, and I kept checking behind me making sure Hawke was still there and still alive. Finally we came across Erimond and Clarel. We made it through that only to be attacked by a dragon and I actually started thinking that we weren't going to survive this encounter. As Clarel laid dying, her final act to end it all knocked out the walkway we were on and in that moment I knew we were dying. I held my arms out in front of me as we all fell and suddenly a rift opens in front of us and we all fell into the fade. We made our way through the fade, battled every horrifying creature imaginable, only to be faced with an impossible decision.

“I’ll stay and fight so this thing so the rest of you can escape. I need to fix the grey wardens’ mistake and Stroud needs to go back to rebuild their order. It's our only choice,” Hawke said as we approached the nightmare. I just stared at him and shook my head. 

“No, no, you can't, no, I won't leave you here to die,” I screamed at him and wrapped my arms tightly around him. 

“You have to. They need you back there, I need to do this for you. I love you so much,” he whispered and placed both hands on either side of my face to look me in the eyes. He moved a few strands of hair out of my face and wiped away the tears streaming down my face. He smiled at me just before he kissed me and held me close to his chest. “Maker knows I loved you more than even he loved Andraste,” he added. I was still sobbing and clinging to Hawke when suddenly Stroud charged past us towards the nightmare with his sword drawn. 

“For the wardens,” Stroud yelled as he ran past. I did the only thing I could think to do, I grabbed Hawke's hand as firmly as I could and I ran as fast as I could towards our exit. The rest of our group quickly followed me and the next thing I knew, we were back at Adamant and had to finish off the job there. Once everything seemed settled, Hawke pulled me to the side.

“Why did you do that? They needed Stroud,” Hawke yelled at me after I forced the grey wardens to work with the Inquisition.

“What are your talking about? He's the one that made that decision, not me,” I yelled back.

“You're the one that pulled me out of there. I could have helped him. Why did you do that?” He continued to yell while taking small steps closer to me.

“Because I love you, you idiot,” I yelled with tears streaming down my face. 

“Well I love you too,” he yelled and we both cracked a small smile. He then shook his head and stared at the ground. “I was supposed to die there, I was supposed to finally be a hero. In the nightmares I've been having, I died saving you. I died a hero,” he muttered.

“You already are a hero, the fucking champion of Kirkwall, did you need to champion the fade as well?” I said sarcastically, causing him to crack another small smile while taking yet another step towards me.

“I ended things because I felt that this was my last battle. Maybe this wasn't my time, but eventually it will be. I can't let what we have prevent either one of us from doing the right thing. I came to Adamant expecting to die, I'd hoped you could hate me so that it wouldn't break you,” he confessed. 

“Well you did break me, when you up and left and let me believe that was that. Even if I weren't involved with you, I still would have picked Stroud to stay. Tactically, you're a better choice to keep around. 

“Hawke, I'm never going to make a bad choice just because of how I feel about you. I'm a good person, and so are you. We're the kind of good people that are forced to make the right decisions no matter how we feel personally. It's who we are, and probably why we fell in love. I love you, completely. But I think you need to figure out what that means to you. I trust myself and I trust my heart no matter who it belongs to. I also trust that neither of them will compromise the other. You need to find a way to feel that too,” I said softly as I ran my hand up and down his back. 

“Do you know how many people died during the Qunari uprising?” Hawke asked and I just shook my head. “I do, each and every name, I memorized. That many people died because I loved someone,” he sighed. 

“They were going to die that no matter if you were in love with Isabella or not. She lost the tome before you even met her. That was always going to happen. And you said yourself, it wasn't real love with Isabella. I'm actually getting really fucking sick of being compared to her,” I said causing him to smile. He grabbed one of my hands and brought it to his lips. 

“What do I do?” He asked and I let out a sigh.

“I think you should go to Weisshaupt to be the one to tell the grey wardens what happened,” I suggested. It was hard to say, but he needed to see that no matter who he loved, who was with him, he would make the right choices. “You have to see for yourself that you can be in love with someone and still be capable to make up your own mind,” I added.

“Do you realize how long I'd be gone?” He asked, unable to believe what I'd suggested. 

“Probably many months, possibly longer depending on how the grey wardens react. I will probably have defeated Corypheus by then,” I stated and slid down to sit on his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head in his chest. 

“I can't leave you to face Corypheus alone,” he said.

“You can, because I'm strong and capable of handling it. It's how I can send you off to the warden headquarters. You're smart and quite powerful. And you know what else we have to get us through it, loving the fuck out of each other,” I explained. 

“Speaking of loving the fuck out of each other,” he whispered seductively in my ear and tilted my head up so he could kiss me. All I could do was laugh into his kiss because we were still in Adamant, and there wasn't any privacy for anything too inappropriate. I did kiss him back and held onto him tighter. 

“I wish,” I sighed. 

“I don't have to leave right this moment. Your Inquisition is going to have to stay at least a couple of days to recover from this before heading back. I also need a couple days to recover. Let's recover together while we still can,” he whispered seductively in my ear. I didn't respond immediately, I rested my forehead on his and then rolled my head down to kiss him just before I nodded my head in agreement. 

“I have another item for you to add to the never-do-again list; never break up with me again,” I whispered into his ear. 

“Never,” he agreed and we very eagerly made our way back to my tent. 

That night we spent most of the time expressing our love physically. We spent most of the next day in my tent, only emerging for food and drink. That day was special to me, I wasn't worried about any imminent danger, I wasn't needed for the most part, and I could just enjoy the day with the man I loved. It felt as close to bliss as I had ever felt. The night following our perfect day, we were both dreading having to part ways next morning, we talked all night and finally in the wee hours of morning an interesting offer come up.

“Let's get married. I saw a mother here, she could marry us,” Garrett whispered with his arm draped over me as we were lying in bed still unable to sleep. I tilted my head to the side to get a better look at his face. I laughed at him unsure if he was joking, but what alarmed me the most was that I was hoping he wasn't. 

“Man, I'm sure going to miss that fucked up humor of yours,” I laughed sarcastically.

“I'm not joking Elle, let's fucking get married. We have Varric, Iron Bull, and Solas all here to witness it. Let's go wake their asses up and do this before we leave. I can't leave you with any uncertainty, and besides, I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he excitedly explained, but I had an unsettling thought.

“What happens if we can't find each other after all of this? Do we go on forever unsure if we're actually still married?” I asked.

“We will find each other, it would be difficult to not be able find the Inquisitor,” he teased.

“But what if I can't find you?” I asked.

“If I don't find you then I obviously died. Once i finish there, there's no force in all of Thedas that could keep me from you,” he said and I still don't know why, but I said yes.

We scrambled to collect our witnesses and a mother to officiate before we had to leave. My companions were not pleased to be awakened, but when we told them why, they were a lot more understanding. The mother had some reservations about marrying us on such short notice but she too went along with it. Because we had such limited time, we didn't consummate the marriage, but we swore we would the moment we found one another again. Shortly after the rushed wedding, we were traveling in opposite directions unsure if we would ever see each other again and I was surprisingly okay with it. In fact, it felt perfect, in a way. If this was how it had to play out, it was the ideal way for it too. We could each face the challenges ahead of us with the comfort and confidence of knowing we were wed.

I didn't tell anyone else outside my inner circle that Hawke and I were married and I made them all swear to keep it within our circle. I found that with Hawke gone, while being his wife, helped me focus on what had to be done to defeat Corypheus. In fact I was so focused on the task at hand that we ended up gaining enough power, and gathering everything we needed ahead of schedule. All the while I was receiving regular updates from Hawke. It took him much longer than either of us expected for him to get to Weisshaupt, which meant that much longer he would have to be away. Once he reached Weisshaupt, the communication stopped, which we were already expecting because of how closed off the wardens had become from the outside world.

The weeks passed and turned into months. The months turned into a year when we finally defeated Corypheus. Having the fate of the world finally lifted from my shoulders granted me a small break. I still hadn't heard from Hawke by that point, but I wasn't alarmed because we know going into that it could possibly take a year or longer depending on their reaction to the news. Because there still wasn't word aside the Varric heard, we were ultimately in the dark on grey Warden affairs. Not even the grey wardens that remained with the Inquisition were able to get anything from Weisshaupt. 

That break following Corypheus's defeat was not as long as I would have hoped for. Nearly a year following Corypheus, all hell broke loose again, but less literally. By the end of it the Inquisition was officially shut down which meant we had to operate in secret. I was left with one less arm than I did going into it. Losing my arm was a difficult thing for me to accept and I fell into a deep depression because of it everything I was stemmed from my abilities as a rogue, and I lost that when I lost my arm. It more than my arm that contributed to my depression, I still hasn't heard from Hawke and I was left only to assume he was dead. I had heard that a political battle broke out between their ranks, and we didn't get anymore information after that. It had been over two years that he'd been gone, and even our worst case scenario timeline had him home long before two full years. I felt as though I lost myself, and I lost Hawke. 

More weeks passed, more months, and then another year. I was finally moving on with my life and with the Inquisition. I found that dedicating myself completely to our cause helped my broken heart hurt less, until it didn't hurt at all. It was still broken, but the pain I had grown to accept. A few of my closest friends stuck around and it was with their help that we got through. We knew that Solas was going to be a threat sooner rather than later, and we had to prepare for that. We were stationed at an estate in the countryside of Orlais, it was a remote location so that our operation could remain a secret. I lived on the estate, and everyone else would only stop in when they were in the area. This meant that I was often alone on that estate, which was actually how I preferred it. When I was alone I didn't face to try pretend to be happy with the way things were going. I may not have been in pain anymore, but I was so far from happy that I couldn't even imagine being happy with any aspect of my life in my lifetime. That was until I heard someone entering one night very late. 

“If you're a bandit, I'm offering you a chance to live, by giving you a chance to leave now before I kill you,” I called out when I knew someone was inside, but they didn't answer. I jumped out of my bed and began using my subterfuge to move quietly and quickly around the room to gain the advantage. I decided to give the intruder I've note chance to leave by throwing a shock bomb, I was met with a bolt of electricity, but I knew the voice of the wielder. I scrambled to light a lamp and struggled with finding a fire source, the intruder shot a fireball at the lamp essentially lighting it, and I immediately spun around to see those ocean blue eyes, and the infuriatingly scruffy face. 

“Hey wife,” Garrett said with a smirk. I stood there in shock, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how I felt, I was paralyzed by the genuine shock I felt seeing him standing there. Before I knew it, everything went black.


	5. To Build A Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Hawke has returned, Elle has to figure out what that means to her. They both need to figure out where to go next.

Once I finally regained consciousness after fainting I looked around and my head was resting on Garrett's lap. I finally looked up at him and he smiled at me while still looking concerned. I hated that this was his first image of me in three years, weak and lying on the floor requiring his healing assistance.

“Maker how I wish you would shave,” I moaned as I tried to sit up, but the severe stinging made me lay my head back down. He chuckled slightly while he pulled a hand to my head to help me lay it back down.

“Careful, you cut your head open when you fainted, the healing magic is still working,” he whispered and that's when the tears came. 

“I thought you were dead,” I cried as I laid there. He stroked the side of my cheek while I cried. “You look so old, have you always looked so old?” I asked as I continued crying. His facial hair and age were the first things I noticed, I blame the probable concussion. Hawke laughed and helped ease me up to sit next to him.

“Afraid so, you were blinded by all my charm, you never noticed that I was actually just an old lecher,” he teased. I smiled and pulled his hand into my mine and stared at it, then back at him. I studied his features for a long time, he had more grey hairs than I remembered, and a couple of new creases in his face. The more I studied him, the more he looked like the Hawke I remembered. The Hawke I had been mourning for such a long while. The Hawke I thought forever lost to me. The Hawke that let me believe he was lost to me.

“Where have you been?” I asked as I felt the tears threaten to begin again. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. As I asked that question, every good feeling I had for his return left me completely, the shock had worn off and all my true emotions came flooding in. I was not happy to see this man that I believed dead.

“It's a long story, would you rather sleep and hear it in the morning?” He suggested and I just eyed him suspiciously.

“To give you time to get your story straight?” I accused and that really seemed to bother him.

“No, because it's the middle of the night and I didn't mean to wake you,” he said.

“Well, you did wake me, so I'm good with right now,” I said and finally felt able to stand up. I put on a kettle of water for some tea. He sighed reluctantly and stood as well, taking a seat at the dining table in the kitchen. 

“Well, everything in Weisshaupt went about as good as could be expected. Mass chaos, full out war among competing factions, fun was had by all. Expect the ones that died, they probably didn't have as much fun. As I'm finishing up there I get a message from Carver,” he began.

“Carver, your shithead brother?” I asked as I poured some tea.

“It's only okay when I say that, but yes, my shithead brother,” he tried joking and paused to decline the tea I offered, “Turns out Isabella talked Merrill into some mission, and they wind up in a Seheron prison,” he continued. 

“Let me guess, the brave boys had to go save the beautiful helpless girls?” I said sarcastically he just laughed, I'm sure he recalled that I had always been more than a little jealous of Isabella.

“Well it wasn't as simple as that, and I certainly wouldn't call them helpless, but ultimately yes, we had to go help free them,” he stated, I didn't say anything, I just continued to sip my tea. “Then Carver needed my help on a deep roads mission he had for the wardens,” he added a bit more timidly.

“Isabella and Merrill join you for that one as well?” I asked maintaining a cold even tone.

“Isabella did, Merrill didn't, and another grey Warden also went with us. I wish I knew what you were feeling because I don't know if I'm telling too little or too much,” he said nervously.

“However much you want to tell will be enough, I'm sure. It's entirely up to you,” I stated calmly, making sure to keep all of my emotions close to the chest.

“Then we had to go to Ferelden, to Kirkwall, and then back to Weisshaupt. Then I told them I was finished and set out to find you. You are actually much more difficult to find than I ever imagined. I ran into that Blackwall fellow who let me know that you were here, so here I am,” he said with a hopeful face, hoping I would finally express my joy and gratitude that he was there, but joy and gratitude were not remotely in the same wheelhouse of my emotions at that moment. 

“Should I congratulate you? How do you want me to respond to that, Hawke? I decided a while ago that you were dead. I mourned you and I moved on. I occasionally considered you were off having adventures, having the time of your life, but I preferred thinking you were dead. We had a few months over three years ago. Why come back?” I asked, cracking a few times revealing a small glimpse into my fury. His face seemed almost as shocked as mine did when I first saw him. I had never seen Hawke speechless, and it would have been highly amusing, but I could only focus on the all consuming anger. 

“I'm sorry, I didn't think. I thought you wanted me to do this,” he said looking confused.

“Do you really think that when I suggested you go to Weisshaupt to deliver the news that I meant be gone nearly three years without a word and go on as many adventures as you want? Do you think I meant come back whenever you had, literally, nothing else in all of Thedas to do. And did you think I was asking you to do all of that with Isabella? How dare you show your face here. How dare you act so cavalier, or expect me to just praise the maker you returned. I lost my arm while you were gone, I am very soon to face the biggest threat the world has ever seen, and I've done it all alone. Completely and totally alone,” I yelled, progressively getting louder and I ended in a sobbing mess. He tried to put his arms on me to comfort me, but I immediately pushed him off, “Do not touch me,” I cried, shaking from my anger. 

“I'm so sorry, Elle, please believe me,” he pleaded as he got down on his knees in front of me. 

“Get out of here,” I said in a quiet voice.

“Please can we just talk?” He continued to beg while placing his hands on my legs. I just jumped to my feet.

“Get out of here,” I screamed at him. He finally stood and slowly backed out of the house. I got up and followed him as he exited and then slammed the door after him. 

I slumped down to the ground unsure of what to think or how to feel. The only man I'd ever loved had all but arisen from the dead. How many times had I wished and prayed that he would return, how much had I bargained just to see his face one more time? None of those times did I think he chose to be away for so long. I had occasionally considered he wasn't dead, but at the time that was just a fantasy thought that allowed me to get through my loneliest days. Then he did return and nothing to that point had ever made me more angry, or more heartbroken. I was still struggling to get a firm grasp on any emotion when someone began banging furiously on my door. I pulled myself back up to my feet to opened the door, unsurprised when I saw Hawke standing there.

“You can't sum us up as simply a thing that lasted a few months. It was a fucking lifetime's worth of sharing ourselves. And why did I come back? Because I love you, I never stopped loving you. My love for you was often the only thing that got me through all of that. Do wish I could have done things differently? You bet your beautiful ass I do, but it was my brother, I couldn't let him go off and do these things on his own. You're the one who said we were enough, you are the one that set me on this path,” he yelled, revealing he worked himself up to be almost as angry as I had been.

“I did it to show you you could love me and not need me. When I did that I didn't expect to find that eventually I would actually need you. I needed someone that I loved to help me get through those darkest of days. I wanted to die after I lost my arm. I thought you were dead, my career was over, I dedicated everything I was to my dual blades. I felt like nothing, and I didn't want to be alive because I had nothing to live for,” I explained and began sobbing again, “I told myself that if he was out there, anywhere out there, he would write to me, he would send some sign that he was alive. You told me you would do anything to get back to me, but you didn't. You ran off with the first woman you loved. You left me behind,” I finished as I slumped back onto the floor with my back to the wall and I continued sobbing into my knees. 

“I wanted to contact you, but Carver thought sending messages was too dangerous. I tried to leave so many times, but he refused to take a break. If I would have come to see you, he would have run off and gotten himself killed, several times over. He's the only family I have left, Elle, what other option did I have?” He pleaded with me, he got on his knees and grabbed my hands, he even started to shed a few tears himself. 

“I'm glad you still have your brother, but you lost your wife. I'm not the same person I was, Hawke, these past few years have been too much. They broke me and defeated me. I'm just an empty husk now. Go on and be with Isabella. Don't let me get in between whatever you two rekindled,” I sighed, finally getting the crying under control. 

“I'm not with Isabella, I don't love Isabella, you are the only person I love,” he said firmly.

“Did you have sex with her over any of this time?” I asked.

“No, never. The last time I had sex was with you right before we were married,” he said.

“I’m not sure I can believe that,” I said and paused to sigh, “I always imagined I'd be overjoyed if you just waltzed in here, but I never imagined the hurt I would feel if you did,” I admitted and hung my head, “I want to annul our stupid pretend marriage. I don't want to be anyone's wife. I don't want to be anyone's anything,” I cried into my lap as wave after wave of depression crashed over me and swallowed me whole. 

“It's not stupid and it's not pretend. You want to know the truth, I couldn't shut up about you, the entire time I was gone. I bragged about how funny and smart you are, and how brave and beautiful you are. I didn't have time to sleep with anyone else because I was too busy telling them how lucky I was to have such an amazing woman as my wife. Please believe that. It rips me to shreds to see you like this. I had no idea any of this had happened. I believed you to be strong and capable as you told me you were. I thought you'd have the Inquisition and your friends to help keep your spirits up,” he explained. 

“I was wrong. I was neither strong, nor capable. I got really depressed when I lost my arm and assumed I lost you too. I pushed them all away until I became nothing more than a glorified caretaker, passing on information as it's shared with me. I can't fight anymore, I'm useless, worthless,” I said with an empty voice of an empty person.

“You are not useless, you are not worthless. You are the fucking Inquisitor that single handedly saved all of Thedas. To me you rival the maker himself. Let me fix you, and then we can fix us,” he said softly into my ear as he rested his head on mine. “You're not dead yet, let me bring you back to life,” he added. I pulled my head up and looked into his eyes. Isn't feeling alive again all I wanted, it's what I had desperately craved everyday following my run in with Solas. I didn't say anything, I knew of one sure thing that always made me feel alive, and I began kissing him. He pulled his head back to stare at me, “that's not what I meant,” he said. I just leaned forward and kissed him again. I climbed up onto my knees, when he finally began kissing me back, and I started removing my night dress. He pulled back again and groaned as he stared at the ceiling. “This isn't right, Elle. I can't believe I'm going to say this, but we shouldn't do this, it would destroy any chance of getting back what we had,” he sighed, never looking down at me. 

“We’ll never get back what we had,” I huffed and snapped my night dressed closed. I got to my feet and stormed to my room where I slammed door and climbed back into my bed to go to sleep as a means to forget any of that even happened.

When I woke up the next morning I half believed everything that happened during the night was just a dream. But I heard Hawke moving around the kitchen, I wasn't expecting anyone to stop in for the rest of the week, so I knew it had to be Hawke, which meant everything that happened was real. I changed out of my night dress into something more appropriate. I pulled my hair back and tied it up. I began going about my morning routines trying to avoid Hawke. He had made a breakfast for me, but I ignored it and just ate a piece of bread. He made tea for me, but I decided to make my own. I stood at a counter staring out a window as i drank my tea.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He asked in disbelief when I wouldn't acknowledge him. I continued ignoring him. “It's going to take a lot more than the silent treatment to get rid of me,” he finally said and began disposing of all the wasted food. I did feel slightly bad about not eating the food because he cooked about three days worth of food. 

I didn't stay after I drank my tea, I decided to go to the nearest town to buy some new books. I knew the walk would take the entire day so it was an easy way to avoid Hawke. That was until he caught up with me shortly after I left.

“Where are we going?” He asked with an excited tone, it took every ounce of willpower I had not to laugh.

“You can't just follow me around. If you're going to stay in my house, there's not much I can do about that since you're legally my husband. But I don't want you following me, it's disrespectful to me,” I argued.

“You're only leaving to avoid me. I'm betting you're heading somewhere that will take about a half a day's walk,” he guessed.

“So what if I am. What does it matter to you? You've been gone for three years Hawke, you don't get to suddenly give a shit what I do, or where I do it. I'll be back before dark, that's all you need to know,” I said firmly. 

“I have given a shit about what you've been doing every day for three years, but fine, run off and avoid this. Just know that I will still be here when you get back. I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Elle, and as justifiably hurt and angry as you are right now, I know that you still love me too. So I'll be here,” he said and turned around to head back the estate. I stormed off, fuming, but eventually I couldn't keep it up and fell back into a comfortable rhythm.

Taking these walks to neighboring towns and villages were my favorite things. I didn't usually have the opportunity to because I was almost always waiting for someone to stop by the estate for assignments. These walks were the only things that made me feel like the person I used to be. I was able to finally clear my head and breathe fresh air. When I would return would be when I remembered my lonely existence and the end of the world as we knew it looming over my head. I couldn't have Hawke there reminding me how messed up my life was. 

Once I finally arrived back at the estate I could see lights on the windows the kitchen, smoke coming from the stove and I knew he was cooking. I didn't stop the smile from spreading across my face at the thought because I immediately flashed back to the only other time he had cooked for me. I quickly dismissed the thought and lost the smile as I got closer. When I entered the house he had candles lit all over the kitchen and flowers in vases all over as well. I was definitely surprised and i didn't know what to do or say, I could barely remember to breathe. He was sitting at the table grinning at my shock.

“Why did you do this?” I asked him. 

“Because I imagine it's been awhile since anyone took you to dinner or on a date, and this is three years overdue,” he explained before standing up and reaching to take my hands, “let me remind you what it feels like to be loved. Give me a week, and if you still want to annul our marriage, I will do that, but please at least let me try,” he finished as he continued holding my hands. I began feeling a tight pressure in my chest and in my head, this felt like too much. I slowly pulled my hands away and took a few steps back. 

“This is too much. Your request is completely reasonable, so know that I understand that, but this is just too overwhelming, Hawke. I can't do all this,” I cried I gestured to all the candles and flowers. “I'm sorry,” I added as I retreated my room. I began crying immediately and had to lie on my bed to gather myself before I broke apart into too many pieces. I heard Hawke moving around presumably putting everything away and getting rid of 4 days worth of food that time. Shortly after I entered my room, Hawke knocked at the door. 

“Can I please come in?” He asked softly. 

“Fine, sure,” I replied as I sat up on my bed. He opened the door and brought in two trays of food and as hard as I tried I actually couldn't stop the grin. “What are you doing?” I chuckled.

“In retrospect, I may have gone overboard,” he teased and I laughed.

“You think? I felt like I should've expected a fucking royal proposal or something. Is the string quartet delayed or something?” I said sarcastically causing him to laugh. 

“I actually hid them in the closet, they were going pop out at dessert,” he teased as handed me my tray and sat next to me. I tried to give a laugh but I just couldn't muster it. I started poking around the plate.

“You do know I only had enough food stocked for me until my next delivery, right? Now I have to go a week without food,” I said as I finally took a bite. The food was actually quite delicious, but I was already expecting it to be.

“I restocked your pantry, now you could feed a small army for a week,” he stated in between bites.

“So barely enough food for you,” I teased making him laugh loudly, which made me smile again. 

“You are happy to see me,” he pointed out and I just laughed lightly as I felt my eyes watering. Seeing Hawke again was the only thing I had wanted for three years, the only thing I wished and prayed for.

“Happy to see you can still cook, would be closer to the truth,” I joked trying to hide the flood of emotions I was feeling. 

“Uh huh,” was all he said as he watched me eat before taking another bite. 

“You can have a week, but when I still want an annulment, we head directly to the chantry,” I said after I finished my food. 

“Yes, whatever you say, wonderful,” he said happily as he took my tray from me. “But you can't just take long walks everyday for a week,” he pointed out as he eyed me suspiciously, causing me to laugh loudly because I hadn't even thought of that. 

“Okay, deal,” I said with a smile.

“This is going to be so easy. You don't even realize it yet, but you're already most of the way back to me,” he said with a smirk causing me to roll my eyes at him.

I got up from my bed and followed him to the kitchen. I stood there watching him wash the dishes and in that moment it all began feeling real. I realized he really was there, this really was happening. As I watched him I felt a few tears streak down my cheeks. He turned around before I could wipe the tears away. I shook my head with a fake smile trying to pass it off nothing, but he was already across the room and wrapped his arms around me as I cried harder. I pulled my arms around him and just held on.

“I am so sorry that I couldn't have been here when you needed me the most,” he began whispering into my hair, “I will never be able to make up for failing you so completely, I know that and it kills me. But I swear to the maker, I swear to you, that I will spend the rest of the time we have left doing anything I can to make it up to you,” he continued to whisper, and I continued to sob in response. I knew he was crying too because I could feel the tears in my hair. We stood there with our arms around each other for what felt like a lifetime, but was really just five minutes. I finally pulled myself back together and excused myself to my room. I wasn't sure what had just happened, but it was more than I was ready to process. I just went to bed so that tomorrow could worry about what that moment was because today couldn't handle it.

The next morning I woke up early, but I could hear Hawke already working in the kitchen. I groaned that he was still there and fell back into my bed. I fully intended on going back to sleep, but before i could I heard a knock at the door. I immediately jumped up to grab it before Hawke, it would take a bit of explanation before they saw Hawke. I ran to the door, narrowly beating Hawke. 

“Still fast, I see,” Hawke pointed out and wandered back to the kitchen. I opened the door and was greeted by Blackwall. I smiled at him, and opened the door for him to enter. I always enjoyed a visit from Blackwall because he seemed to understand the dark place I had been in for so long now. If I hadn't been so depressed, he and I might have already been involved. 

“So good to see you, Blackwall,” I said as I led him to a sitting area. 

“I came to see you to tell you something. It's going to be kind of a shock, so know that I am here for you,” he began to explain, which is around the moment he heard someone in the kitchen. “Early morning guest?” He asked suspiciously. 

“My guess is the big shocking thing you were going tell me is the one making all the noise in the kitchen,” I teased.

“He beat me here? How is that possible?” He asked.

“He probably stole a horse, or used magic, or something sneaky,” I half joked. 

“Aye, maybe. How are you holding up?” He asked, he had really grown to understand me. I shrugged and stood to go get some tea. 

“Do you want some tea?” I asked him. He just shook his head, so I went to get tea from the kitchen all while ignoring Hawke. “It was most definitely a shock,” I began after I sat down with my tea, “I didn't handle his sudden appearance well. Very badly would actually better describe it,” I explained with a chuckle.

“It's been awhile since I've seen you smile even the slightest bit, and mean it,” he pointed out. I shook my head and sipped my tea. 

“I don't know, but I know seeing him that night broke pieces I didn't even know could still break. I still haven't quite wrapped my head around the fact that he's been alive this entire time and for whatever reasons didn't let me know. I feel betrayed,” I explained quietly, surprised at myself for not crying as I talked about it. Blackwall nodded and leaned forward to glance into the kitchen at Hawke and then sat back down. 

“He's here pretty early,” Blackwall pointed out.

“He's staying here, and because we're technically married, I'm legally obligated to allow it. So I agreed to let him try to win me back over for a week and when he doesn't, he promised to annul the marriage,” I said in a hushed tone, nearly a whisper. He just sat back and nodded. 

“As much as I would be happy you would no longer be married, for purely selfish purposes, I do miss you being as happy as you were before you thought he was dead,” Blackwall explained as he took my hand to kiss and then hold in his, “I can't believe I'm saying this, because you know how I feel about you, but maybe you should give him a chance this week. Give him a chance to change your mind, change your heart. Maker knows I've been trying my hardest over the past year,” he observed as he leaned forward so I leaned forward as well. I gave him a light kiss and smiled at him. 

“Thank you, Blackwall,” I whispered before taking my hand back and sat back. Blackwall had made his intentions quite clear a short time after I decided Hawke must have been dead. Nothing had ever really happened between Blackwall and I, nothing more than a few kisses here and there. He kissed my hand one more time before standing up. I stood up with him and walked him to the door. He kissed me on the cheek once he was out the door. 

“I'll always remember what we could have had,” he whispered after kissing my cheek. 

“Me too,” I said with a nod and a smile. 

“If he mistreats you, I swear to the maker I will kill him,” he added making me smile. 

“Good,” I added and he left. I closed the door lightly and turned back around to see Hawke standing behind me, he looked mad so I just rolled my eyes him.

“You gave me crap about traveling with Isabella, assuming I was in a relationship with her again, when you were the one in a relationship,” he accused me and I just laughed bitterly at him.

“You don't know near as much as you like to think you do. Who I was or wasn't in a relationship with, while I thought you were dead, is none of your business,” I stated and went back to my sitting room to finish my tea. 

“So you were in a relationship with him. Un-fucking-believable. The man that was fucking my wife is the one who sent me this way,” he growled getting himself more and more worked up. 

“How dare you think that you had any claim to me, how dare you get mad. I'm not going to justify any of this with an answer because you didn't exist to me for the last year or so. So don't you dare get mad at Blackwall or anyone else I may or may not have slept with. You don't have the right,” I yelled at him. “Fucking Maker I can't wait for this week to be over, the sooner I can be rid of you, the better,” I added and for a moment I thought he was going to explode. 

“Your breakfast is getting cold,” he finally said and turned back towards the kitchen. I stood up with my tea to make my way to the table to eat. Neither one of us said a word for the first half of the breakfast. “I'm sorry,” Hawke finally said.

“For what, exactly?” I asked, trying to make him admit he was an asshole. 

“I shouldn't have jumped down your throat for sleeping with Blackwall. I'm just insanely jealous that he got to be with you when I didn't. I shouldn't have judged you, you're right, you had every right to move on with your life. If I had actually died, I would have wanted you to move on, and Blackwall is a good man,” he explained. I nodded and finished the bite in my mouth. 

“He is a very good man, and was about the only person I had that kept me going. He's the best man. But I didn't sleep with him,” I admitted. 

“Did you sleep with anyone?” He asked.

“You don't get to ask that, Hawke. Assume I slept with everyone else. Assume I slept with no one. I don't care. But you don't get to ask me. Assume the last three years are off limits to you,” I pointed out.

“That's not fair, I want to get to know the new you which means knowing the last three years,” he said.

“Don't even start with what's not fair, not with me. And find another way to get to know me. The last three years are not yours to know. If i tell you anything it will be on my terms, not yours,” I stated. He let out a frustrated sigh, and I couldn't help but enjoy getting under his skin. 

“I know I didn't imagine last night, I know that something real happened, and you're just acting like it was nothing,” he accused.

“Did I say it was nothing? I was emotional and tired last night. I let my guard down, it probably won't happen again,” I said and stood up to go to my room, but not before adding, “So good luck.” I had a small chuckle as I walked away. I heard him slamming things around, obviously unhappy with the turn things were taking. I let him take his aggression out on the dishes before emerging from my room. He glanced up at me but didn't say anything, but still appeared angry. “So let me ask you something, did you really believe this would be so easy that you'd have me won back by breakfast today? If so, you obviously don't remember me as well as you thought you did,” I observed. 

“No it's not that,” he began but I cut him off.

“Close your eyes,” I instructed, and he obeyed, “imagine that the tables had turned. Imagine you came back the moment you were done in Weisshaupt, but you couldn't find me, you search everywhere and I'm just gone. After a year or so of looking, you give up, assuming death to be the only logical explanation. Maybe I died battling Corypheus, whatever. So you begin living your life under the thought that I'm dead. Can you imagine how much that must hurt? Then, let's go ahead and rip your arm off, taking away your ability to use magic. Feeling pretty low now aren't you? So you live like this for a year. You grow cold and bitter, you can't kill yourself because your honor won't allow you to, but you pray for death everyday. Then, amidst your never-ending loneliness, here I come walking through the door. I didn't write you, nothing. Imagine having thought about that day a thousand times, expecting to be overjoyed if it ever happened, but only feeling hurt and betrayed. A hurt and betrayal that hits you all the way to your bones. And it morphs into an anger you never knew yourself capable of. Could you so easily just get over that in one day?” I asked him, and he opened his eyes to look at me, as two tears streaked down his cheek. His eyes somehow looked even more blue. He shook his head and stood to his feet to hug me. I allowed him to hug me, but I didn't reciprocate the action. 

“I'll apologize the rest of my life,” he whispered. I shook my head. 

“You only have 6 more days to apologize. After that I don't want to see you. Your apology can be leaving me alone because it hurts too much having you around,” I stated, and retrieved my new book. I then sat at the table to read. 

Hawke didn't say anything, he huffed towards the door and snatched the axe off of the wall before going out to chop firewood. I knew he was feeling a deep frustration and he needed to get that out somehow. I tried reading, but couldn't concentrate, so I stood up to glance out the window at him. He had taken off his shirt because it was a warm summer day and I felt a stirring deep within me that I hadn't felt since before he left. He was just as attractive as I had recalled. All of his muscles flexed and glistened with sweat, he was truly a beautiful sight. I stood there watching him a little while longer before I had to stop. I had to either assist myself with those feelings or jump him out in broad daylight. It had been a long time since I felt that desire so strongly that I actually had to relieve myself. 

I went to my room, making sure the door was locked so Hawke couldn't walk in on me. I then removed all of my clothes which actually felt really good because it was really warm. I sat down on the edge of my bed and leaned back as I began relieving that built up tension. I couldn't hold back the moans of release once I finished, but I didn't think it mattered because I assumed Hawke was still outside. I finally stilled myself and took a few minutes to recover and cool down. I used a towel to wipe off all the sweat that had accumulated all over my body so that I could get dressed. I emerged from my room to retrieve my book only to find Hawke smirking as he flipped through the pages. 

“So weird, there's nothing in this book that would strike me as sensual. I wonder what made you feel the need to retire to your room so suddenly and cause yourself to moan like that?” He laughed. 

“Fuck you,” I said firmly and grabbed my book before turning back to my room. 

“If only, but you're too busy fucking yourself," he called after me.

“I hate you,” I yelled back and he just laughed loudly. 

“That didn't sound like hate, my love,” he called and laughed again. “Maker I missed that sound most of all,” he said mostly to himself which made me smile slightly as I entered my room and slammed the door. 

I stayed in my room reading until I felt hunger pangs letting me know it was probably time for a midday meal. I quietly left room hoping that he was either outside doing something, napping, anything that made him unaware that I was exiting my room. I made it to the kitchen without noticing him and quickly began throwing food on a plate to take back to my room. 

“What are we having?” He asked behind me and I felt his hands on my hips. Feeling his touch caused me to inhale sharply. It immediately felt like the most comfortable natural caress, his hands casually on me. I briefly imagined the past two years as if he were there, and this was just how two married people stood in the kitchen preparing food. I didn't linger on that feeling and immediately snapped back.

“Not that,” I said and pulled his hands off of me. He then pulled my hair to the side and began kissing my neck which definitely had a physical effect on me.

“You don't miss this even a little bit?” He whispered in my ear before returning to my neck. 

“Do I miss sex? Yes, I miss sex. Which is a completely separate issue from missing you. I tried to have sex with you that first night, but you're the one that stopped me, recall that?” I asked taking a step to the side away from him, and carried my plate to my room. He was knocking on my door almost as soon as I closed it. I didn't respond, I just went on with eating my food.

“Listen, I'm trying so hard to give you the space you need to come to terms with me being alive. But try to imagine waiting everyday for three years to see the love of your life again. Seeing you again made the three years vanish for me. Time was nothing, it didn't even exist, the only thing I was aware of, from the moment I heard your voice, was you and me. So I'm trying, but I am also excited just to be near you again, to see you, to hear your voice in a way that's not just a memory,” he explained outside the door. I closed my eyes and tried imagining it from his perspective, and it hurt my heart to do, but I did know where he was coming from. If I hadn't assumed he was dead, I would have felt the exact same way. When that thought hit me I suddenly felt terrible. I felt like everything I was feeling was my own fault, why did I just give up on his being alive? I knew why, because I had given up on myself. I lost hope, faith, trust, all of it was gone, and when I lost all of that, I lost him too. He was my hope, he was my faith, and my trust. We only had a few months together, but he had become my everything in that time.

“You shouldn't have listened to your shithead brother, you should have written me, Hawke. If you could have just sent one message just letting me know you were alive, we wouldn't be where we are,” I sobbed. I heard him slide down the door to sit on the floor. 

“I know. But what if Carver had been right and then sending that letter would have meant my death. Then you would have waited around forever. I guess part of me was kind of relieved you had started to move on, not by very much, but moving on was a possibility for you. I would rather win you over again, than have left you waiting for the rest of your life. If I had been dead, eventually you could have grown closer to Blackwall, grown to love him even, and you wouldn't have been alone. The thought of you dying alone kills me, Elle,” he confided, his voice cracking the end. 

“I don't see much distinguishable difference between dying alone and what I've been doing the last year. And maybe I shouldn't have given up on hoping you were alive, but everything changed when Solas ripped off my arm. I felt helpless for the first time in my life. I had no hope left in me. So I gave up on everything, including you,” I said softly, still lightly crying. He didn't say anything right away, he just sighed deeply. 

“Can I come in and hug you?” He asked. I stood from my bed and turned the knob to let him in. He stood and wrapped my arms around me. I had managed to stop crying, and I hugged him back, but not too tightly. He clung to me as though i could potentially vanish. “One day you will be whole again. Maybe with me, maybe not, but you are a strong person. This was bigger than most people ever experience, and it will just take time. You are the strongest person, both physically and emotionally, and you will come out ahead. This would have killed, literally killed, anyone else. I couldn't have survived it,” he whispered into my ear as he continued to cling to me. I just shook my head and sighed deeply. 

“You became a psychic while you were away I take it?” I said sarcastically. 

“I don't need to be psychic to know that much,” he replied. I tilted my head up to glance at him and ended up kissing him. When i kissed him that time, when it wasn't out of desperation, I felt so much of what I had lost come rushing back to me. For a brief moment while we were kissing, I was ecstatic that he was there, I was happy again. But then reality drowned it all out. I pulled away and shook my head as I stepped back.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that,” I whispered making sure I avoided eye contact with him.

“I'm not,” he said in his husky aroused voice. He bent down to recapture my lips in another kiss. He began stepping forward, causing me to move backwards until he had me backed against the wall. I sighed and pulled away from the kiss.

“We can't go down this road, not now. I don't have any precautions, and I just don't think I should. It would just make everything all confusing and complicated when we go to annul our marriage. I don't think we'd even be able to annul it if we actually fuck,” I pointed out trying to make him mad. It worked, he was no longer interested in sex. He just stormed out of my room without a word.

“Why are you even trying so hard? What do you get out of this? Just let it go,” I yelled at him after he stormed out.

“Because there's no one else I want to spend the rest of my life with. But you know what,” he yelled back storming back into my room, “You want that too, I know you do, you know you do. You're just too fucking proud to let yourself have it. You wanted me just as much as I wanted you just then. And I don't give a fuck about precautions, I want you to have at least five kids that I put in you myself. You know what, I lied, I'm not going to give you an annulment because there's nothing to annul. We are in love, Elle, that's all a marriage is, two people who love each other,” he continued yelling. 

“We had a deal, you promised,” I yelled back. 

“I don't give a shit. I want you, and I'm sick of you acting like you don't reciprocate that,” he yelled.

“So what if I do, it doesn't change anything,” I tried to yell, but could only muster a raised voice. 

“It changes everything, Elle,” he said, all aggression gone from his voice and demeanor. He took a few strides across the room until he was standing in front of me. He placed his hands on my shoulders and squeezed them as he used his fire magic to generate heat which made me smile involuntarily. “Say you want me,” he whispered as his hands trailed down my arms. 

“I don't want you to have that power over me again. I don't want to love you again because I won't survive this a second time. Maybe you had the right idea when you broke up with me before we went to Adamant. Pain like that serves no purpose,” I tried to reason. He shook his head.

“Say you want me,” he repeated. I just shook my head and he bent his head down to kiss my neck, and his hands moved to my hips. He then pressed me against the wall once more. I began panicking because of course I wanted him, but I didn't feel like I could just say I didn't, I had to say something that would strike deeper. I wanted an annulment, I wanted to be alone again. 

“I want you, but I don't love you,” I whispered. He took a step back to look at me.

“That's not true, of course you love me, you don't just lose a love like that,” he said.

“I can, I did. I don't love you and I don't think I can learn how to. I don't even want to love you,” I said and it actually felt like it caused me physical pain to say that. It absolutely wasn't true, I did love him, I knew that much, but I had decided that I couldn't let that love kill me. He kept shaking his head.

“You're lying,” he said, and I shook my head. 

“I think my feelings for Blackwall are stronger than I realized, I find myself unable to feel those things for you again. I'm sorry, Hawke. I wanted this to work, but I also don't want to waste your time when I'm now certain it won't work. I want to let you fuck me, but it wouldn't be fair to you to allow that. I'm just trying to be honest,” I said as I managed to keep it together. I maintained an even tone, and a posture of power to come across as telling the truth. He kissed me as he started crying. He then just turned and left my room. 

I stayed in my room for the rest of the day, listening to him move around the house. He was making a lot of noise when I suddenly heard the door open and close and then silence. That's when I decided to venture out of my room. The first thing I saw was a dinner set out just for me which really broke me to see. I looked around the house and he'd taken all of his belongings. He left a portrait of me that he had made before Adamant. He also left all the letters I had written him. That caused me to break down. I fell to the floor in a mess of tears. I had immediately regret everything I had just done. I suddenly started to have a panic attack, my chest tightened in excruciating pain and I was having trouble breathing. This was what I wanted, but why did it feel like a new low for me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like, I don't even know...


	6. Why Don't We Fall In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fog is finally lifting, and Elle is slowly making her way back to the person she used to be.

I didn't realize at first how easily I slid back into my old routine. It was as though Hawke was nothing more than a minor interruption that barely put a dent in my day to day life. But then the aching pain in my heart would begin gnawing away at me all over again. Even a month after he was gone, it was had only grown more painful, there was no relief to be had. Blackwall was the only person that knew Hawke had been there. I suspected that Leliana knew he was alive, but she didn't say anything, which I appreciated, I also assumed Varric knew since he was Hawke's best friend. Knowing that only a few people knew the depths of my grief at that time was a small relief. I just wished the pain would begin to ease. 

One day when there were enough of our rag tag team there to have a meeting, a messenger dropped off a package right in the middle of the meeting. I opened it immediately, assuming it was Inquisition business, but instead saw signed annulment papers. I lost it, right there in front of everyone, nearly the entire Inquisition, I broke down. It was that moment that everyone knew that not only was Hawke alive, but he had come to see me. No one asked too many questions or pried too much, but it was the single most humiliating moment of my life. Once I regained my composure I knew what I had to do. 

“Tell me where he is,” I said to Varric, while everyone was still in the middle of the meeting. 

“I think it may be best if I stay out of it,” Varric said, obviously uncomfortable.

“Tell me now, Varric,” I yelled.

“He's at his estate in Kirkwall. But I wouldn't go if I were you,” he informed me.

“You're not me,” I replied and began gathering supplies.

“We're still having a meeting, Inquisitor,” Leliana said. 

“Someone can fill me in when I return, it's not like there's anything I can do anyway, I'm basically a title only role now,” I called from my room as I continued getting ready.

“She needs to do this, she just got annulment papers, let her be,” I heard Blackwall defend me and it made me smile. He would always be my champion, and I always value that in him.

I left as soon as I had everything ready. My journey to Kirkwall was anything but pleasant, it was difficult, and dangerous. I had brought my daggers, even though I hadn't trained since I lost my arm, and I ended up using then quite a bit, one at a time, of course. I almost died several times, but all the fighting, all the near death made me feel more alive than anything had since before my run in with Solas. I felt great, and the more I fought the better I got. I then decided that one dagger wasn't cutting it, so to speak, and found a sword that was relatively easy to wield. By the time I arrived in Kirkwall, I felt pretty comfortable with the sword. Hawke's estate was not hard to find, everyone knew where it was. When I knocked on the door a beautiful woman opened the door. A woman that fit Isabella's description perfectly, and she was wearing Hawke's robe. I tried to not let it bother me, I mean what else would he have done, I pushed him into that. 

“Well hello,” Isabella greeted seductively, “and who might you be?” She added with a coy smile.

“I need to talk to Hawke,” was all I said to her, she narrowed her eyes to get a better look at me. She just nodded and closed the door. A moment later, Hawke opened the door only wearing only his breeches. Isabella must have told him it was me at the door, but he still looked shocked. It took him several minutes to recover.

“What are you doing here?” He asked. As I was looking at him I ended up losing my nerve, I had come to address the annulment, but I just couldn't after seeing him. I could only love him when I saw him standing there. If he wanted the annulment, I would go ahead and give it to him. I felt my eyes begin to water, but I quickly wiped the tears away before they fell and cleared my throat to regain control. 

“I came because, if you aren't too busy, the Inquisition needs help. Since we're operating under the radar, we can't exactly advertise. You already know about us, we need you Hawke,” I said, maintaining an even voice to hide any emotions I was experiencing. 

“I don't know,” he said and ran his hand through his hair. I just nodded and smiled.

“Of course, it was unfair of me to ask. I'm sorry to have bothered you,” I said as the pain in my chest kicked in and compounded the entire time I spoke. I decided that I made a huge mistake and turned to leave.

“Wait, you came here just to ask me to join the Inquisition? Why not just write a letter?” He asked.

“Couldn't risk it being intercepted,” I said without turning around, “I'm so sorry, Hawke, it won't happen again, I'll let you live your life in peace. Let you get on with forgetting me so that you can be happy. I hope she makes you happy,” I said unable to hold anything back, and ran off. 

“Elle, wait,” he yelled as he ran after me. I ducked into an alley, which was where he caught me. “Tell me what's really going on, why are you really here,” he said after he grabbed my arm to stop me. I just pulled the annulment papers out of my bag and held them up. 

“I don't know why I'm here,” I said and continued to cry and quickly tucked the papers away. “You want an annulment now, and that's great, and when I saw you, I realized that you wouldn't have sent these if you didn't actually want to annul our marriage. I guess i just needed to be sure it was something you really wanted,” I finally explained after I got a control on the tears. 

“Fuck, Elle,” he sighed as he leaned against the building behind him and rolled his head back against it. 

“I'm sorry, I'm humiliated. I don't know why I came here, I just did. I didn't think, I just came,” I said, “please, just forget I came. Please continue getting on with your life, I'm so sorry,” I added and began walking away. 

“Fucking void, just wait. Give me a second to think,” he said catching up with me again. He grabbed both of my shoulders and held them firmly. He looked in my eyes for a few moments and that made me feel incredibly exposed. He didn't say anything, he just backed me against the building behind me and pressed his lips firmly against mine, his tongue seeking entrance into my mouth which I granted. We stood there kissing deeply longer than we should have, and I felt myself pressing my body against his without thinking. “Why are you here?” He whispered into my hair as he leaned into me. I shook my head.

“You're obviously with Isabella, it wouldn't be fair to you or her if I told you,” I whispered back and turned my head away. 

“Fuck fair, tell me,” he whispered more harshly.

“Because I love you,” I whispered so softly I almost couldn't hear myself. His lips were immediately reattached to mine. His hands began lifting up my shirt, but I stopped him. He didn't say anything just grabbed my hand and led me back to his house. “What about Isabella?” I asked.

“She was just giving me a tattoo,” he said and lifted his arm, inside his upper arm was an outline of my initials, my married initials. When we entered his door, she no longer had his robe on, but rather revealing pirate apparel. “Before the Inquisitor arrived, what were we doing?” Hawke asked her. 

“I was giving you that tattoo. I thought it was a bad idea, but clearly I don't know anything. If you need a third, I'm always willing,” Isabella said with a wink as she walked by and squeezed my ass. It caused me to jump and Hawke laughed. As soon as Isabella left, he was immediately pawing at my clothes. But I stopped him again. 

“You may not want me here, I think I have to sign those papers,” I said timidly and he nodded in response, then just laughed my confusion.

“I figured you needed to sign those papers. They're just papers Elle, it doesn't matter to me if the chantry recognizes us as a married couple or not, it could never change how I feel. I realized that maybe if you could get your annulment, it could help you heal. That's why I sent them,” he explained. My eyes began to water as he did and I just nodded. Of course he did it for me, he would do anything for me. I set the papers on a desk and grabbed a pen to sign them. “Shall we go ahead and deliver them now?” He asked when I was finished, I smiled and nodded in return. He went ahead and got dressed so we could leave.

“Why were you getting my initials tattooed onto you?” I asked him as we walked to the chantry.

“They're your married initials, I was getting them on the underside of my left arm so that they would always face my heart. No matter what, you will be my one and only wife, for as long as I live, you are the only one I want. Your initials were etched into my heart before I was born, this was just an outward reflection of that,” he explained. It got me all emotional again. 

“Maker, why are you so fucking perfect?” I asked with a laugh and a sniffle and tried to get the emotions under control.

“I'm really not. Something is different about you,” he pointed out.

“Yeah, I think so too. I think I needed this journey. I needed to fight for my life to show myself I still could. I guess I'm not as useless as I thought,” I said with a smile.

“I told you that much. It's like you found a way to relight that fire in your eyes, like your recovered pieces of yourself you thought were lost,” he said and I nodded in response. 

“Pretty much. Turns out I enjoy nearly dying,” I joked with a laugh. 

“Of course, nothing else can prove to us we're alive like nearly dying can,” he agreed.

A short time later we were in the newly rebuilt chantry, taking our petition for annulment to the mother there. She asked routine questions, and we both vowed to the maker we never consummated our marriage. That was enough for her and she stamped it with the chantry seal, officially negating our marriage. It was somewhat bittersweet, that word married got me through a lot until it took me as far as it could before it destroyed me. I felt like I had a weight lifted off of me, I felt free again. 

On our way back to Hawke's estate we stopped several places, he wanted to show me all of Kirkwall. Of course, because he's Hawke, we ran into several scuffles as we toured the city. It was during these scuffles that he noticed I was using a sword. 

“Sword, eh?” He pointed out as we were collecting what we could from the first fight. 

“One dagger just wasn't cutting it, so to speak, and turns out, this arm is stronger than I gave it credit for,” I pointed out. 

“You're stronger than you gave yourself credit for. Why don't we try to find a better blade? On our way back to getting your back the Inquisition, why don't we stop by the black emporium, you know that's where you're going to find the best sword,” he suggested.

“Our way?” I asked with a grin.

“Well, yeah,” he said shyly. I just laughed.

Hawke finished showing me around and ended at a market where he picked up a lot of produce, I'd never seen one person buy so much produce. I made a few jokes about the amount of food the entire way back to his estate. That night he cooked an amazing dinner, it seemed like the most delicious dinner I'd ever had. I wasn't sure if it was really that good, it if it was just because I felt so much better than I had in almost two years. I had lost myself somewhere after Hawke left, and my journey to Kirkwall seemed to remind me who I was. Over dinner we joked and laughed, we had a great evening, it was almost as if we time travelled three years in the past and nothing had changed. I laughed loudly and frequently, I felt amazing. 

“This is the happiest I've been in I can't even remember how long,” I sighed feeling drunk as we had just finished our second bottle of wine that evening. We were sitting on the floor of his room looking at old portraits of his family, talking about anything that popped into our heads, and getting drunk.

“Me too, it's been a long time since I've laughed and smiled so much,” he observed and I smiled at his observation. He then reached between us and grabbed my hand and squeezed it before setting back down.

“I don't want what I'm about to say to offend you, but I think what I missed the most over the last three years was myself. It was as though becoming your wife the day before you left made me lose a piece of my identity. I wasn't just Elle or the Inquisitor anymore, I was then also the wife of an absent husband. I didn't know how to be that. I haven't felt this light and free since you left that day,” I explained, he leaned back on his elbows to stare at the ceiling as he thought about what I had said and eventually he let out a sigh as he nodded.

“Rushing out to get married wasn't our best move. I just remember thinking that night that if we were married it would keep us connected through the distance and time apart. I guess part of me didn't trust us completely. So of course that would fuck with your sense of identity. I'm sorry, Elle, truly sorry,” he apologized and then followed it with a tight hug. 

“It's not just on you, I thought the same thing. If we do ever get married again, let's just do it because all we have left is the rest of our lives to spend together. Which is kind of up in the air with this Solas shit,” I groaned.

“So, you never did tell me about the Solas shit, what did I miss?” he asked and I proceeded to inform him of everything that happened in his absence, which led him to going more in depth into everything he did while he was away. We ended up both falling asleep on the floor of his bedroom. During the night, however, he picked me up and laid me on his bed, I only barely woke up enough to recognize I was being carried and then drifted right back to sleep once I hit his bed.

The next morning Hawke was up before me, so when I awoke I was alone in his room. I glanced around me because I never really got the chance to look at everything the night before. Everything was so elegant, it just didn't strike me as a place he would live. I began flipping through his trunk that we had been going through the night before. There was so much in there that he used to be and it was hard to imagine him as the young man he had been when he had first arrived in Kirkwall. In that moment I recalled him looking so sad on my balcony at skyhold one day, and I suddenly understood. I wanted to know his family too so that I could know the person he had been through their memories of him. I had never really put a lot of thought into what he lost because I could only see family from my perspective, which wasn't good by any means. 

I finally decided to get up and went to find his wash room to draw myself a bath. I finally had to ask his serving girl to show me where it was, she led me and then began preparing my bath, I had to stop her to tell her I could do it myself. She argued at first, but eventually just nodded and left. I lit the coals under the bath to begin heating it, and then began undressing. I stretched all my aching muscles before getting into the bath. It wasn’t very warm, but I was really just needing to get clean. While I was looking for soap the water suddenly grew very warm which alarmed me enough to look around only to find Hawke at the doorway. I knew he couldn't see anything, but I still sunk a little lower into the bathtub. 

“That magic sure is handy,” I teased with a laugh.

“Occasionally,” he replied and I could hear the lust in his voice, it even made me blush a bit.

“You didn't have to, I just wanted to wash up real quick,” I said nervously and he chuckled as he immediately turning down his sex gaze. He could tell I was nervous.

“Well, now you can relax and enjoy it. It's going to be another shitty journey back to your hideout,” he pointed out causing be to groan. I just slipped completely under the water to not think about that.

When I came back up, he was gone which was slightly relieving. I felt like i needed to acclimate to him again. It had been so long since I felt anything, I couldn't overwhelm myself with the good. The day before when we were making out in the alley, I was mostly running nerves and adrenaline, no telling how far I would've gone in that moment. I was beyond grateful that he had pulled me to his house when he did. It helped me regain my senses.

“You don't put anything in your tea, right?” Hawke asked from the door, interrupting my thoughts. I glanced up at him and shook my head, “here's some tea, and a quick reheat,” he said and set a tray of tea next to the bath and reheated the bath. I felt more relaxed than I had since before the Inquisition. I just sighed after my first sip of tea.

“I must have died, and this is what it feels like to be at the Maker's bosom,” I sighed in which he proceeded to laugh at.

“I never pictured the Maker's bosom as tea in a bath, but okay,” he said sarcastically causing me to smile. I tilted my head back to look at him. 

“Thank you Hawke. I'm taking much longer than I anticipated, and I apologize, but I can't bring myself to get out, I haven't felt this relaxed in I couldn't tell you how long,” I sighed. Hawke smiled at me, but there was a lot of desire in his smile and he wanted to say something but he was trying not to. “Oh, just say whatever perverted thing you're holding back,” I added.

“I could get a better idea of how good it feels if I were in there with you,” he said really fast as he let out the breath he'd been holding, I couldn't hold back my burst of laughter. 

“You could, but you're not going to,” I teased with a smirk, and he smiled back. 

“I'm just happy to see you like this. Compared to the last time I saw you, it’s like fucking night and day,” he said. I didn't say anything, I just smiled and nodded. When he said that all I could think about was the way I had behaved when he turned up. I had been so depressed before the journey to Kirkwall, it was as though I was a completely different person. But being reminded of that seemed to trigger the anxiety pains in my chest. I hadn't completely made my way back to who I was. When I continued to not say anything, he eventually walked away. When the water began to cool, I finally climbed out of the bath. I dried off, dressed, braided my hair and pinned it to my head, and then made my way down to Hawke. I sat at the table that was loaded with an incredible breakfast and quickly made a plate before I began talking.

“I feel like I have to tell you something Hawke,” I started and he just nodded at me with a mouthful of food, “I know I'm miles from the person you saw at the hideout, but i haven't completely gotten rid of her either. She's still here. So I don't want to give you the false impression that we're just going to jump in precisely where we left off when you went to Weisshaupt. We're not. I think we almost have to start over, we missed too much of each other's lives. Maybe starting over is the wrong idea, but I don't know. I just know that I'm not where you would like me to be yet, so i am still going to have to ask you to continue to be patient,” I clumsily explained, I kept tripping over my words unsure of what exactly I was even trying to say. I just dropped my head on the table and quit talking.

“I'm in no rush, Elle, I can't understand what you've been through. But I know it changed you, and I know I need to give this new Elle time to love this same old Garrett. Ultimately, you're still you, just more you now, and I will always love you, whoever you become as we get older, I'll love her too. I'm never going to stop loving you, and I will wait as long as it takes, I promise you,” he explained and reached across the table to hold my hand. I tilted my head to the side and smiled at him. This was the side of him that made me love him most, he was more attuned and understanding than even I had given him credit for when I first met him. He was surprisingly perceptive, loving, and nurturing. He was by far one of the best men I had ever known. 

“Deep down, I never stopped loving you, I can admit that, but it's more that I have to figure out how to love the person I've been the last couple of years so that i can love you like I did before,” I pointed out and he nodded. “Thank you for always being so understanding, it means so much to me,” I added and squeezed his hands. 

“You don't have to thank me for that. Now hurry up and eat, we have to hit the road,” he said and went back to shoveling in his food. I rolled my eyes at him and began eating pretty quickly myself. 

After we were finished eating I helped him clear the table. He left the food in the kitchen for his house staff to have and take home if they wanted. When we finally left his house we began heading in the wrong direction. 

“Where are we going?” I asked him.

“My friend Aveline’s she wants to meet you and give you something, I don't know, but I don't argue with Aveline,” he informed me and led me to the office for the city guard, he didn't knock on her office door, he just waltzed right in. 

“Hawke, I've asked you repeatedly to knock when the door’s closed,” she said with an annoyed tone after an attractive man quickly jumped away from her desk. They'd obviously been making out. She then narrowed her eyes at me. “And you must be Elle, the amazing Inquisitor that this idiot never shuts up about. You are very pretty, he was indeed right about that,” she said to me.

“I'll tell my parents you think so, that's more their accomplishment,” I joked and made her smile.

“I heard you were here, and heard this lout was going back with you so I insisted on meeting you since he'll be gone for Maker knows how long,” she explained.

“And you are well met, captain,” I with a smile. She flashed me another smile that seemed more sincere. 

“I was also informed that you are now using a sword, but you're trained as an assassin. I had this lying around, it's a sword made from Star metal, one of my men found it in a raid. It's ultra light, and honestly none of us can use it, it's too light. It also deals a great deal of damage. I couldn't help but feel this sword was meant for someone as yourself. Someone accustomed to light blades, and needing something not too heavy so that your speed is not impeded,” Aveline explained as she held out the blade for me. I picked it up and almost threw it across the room because of how light it was. 

“That's incredible,” I gasped, and she was smiling and nodding in agreement. “Thank you Aveline, this means quite a bit to me actually,” I said and bowed slightly. 

“It's the least I can do. I've known Hawke a very long time now, and it's apparent that you make him a better person, you may very well be the only person in all of Thedas capable of doing that since his mother,” she said and then gave me a hug. I actually got choked up a bit when she said that. I just smiled and nodded at her.

“Thanks Aveline,” Hawke said with a nod.

“You better keep in touch this time, Hawke, or I swear to the maker I will seek you out just so that I can kill you,” Aveline threatened and Hawke just laughed. 

“I absolutely believe that. I will keep in touch, I swear,” he agreed, and began leading the way out of the keep. Once we were outside I quickly strapped the blade to my back and I was eager to get on the road to try it out. But first we had the boat ride. 

“I hate boats,” I groaned half way through the boat portion of the journey. I had to hold my head over the edge because I was constantly emptying contents of my stomach. Hawke kept rubbing my back.

“Only a day and a half more, maybe less if we have good weather,” he said softly.

“How is this not killing you?” I asked him.

“One of the perks of knowing Isabella, I stopped getting sea sick a long time ago. That woman and her ships,” he said with a chuckle. I tried to roll my eyes, but the motion made me vomit. 

“Humans were not meant to cross oceans, we were meant for solid land, and I swear the second my feet are back on solid land, I'm never leaving it again,” I groaned, causing him to laugh.

“Except for when we go back to Kirkwall after all the Inquisition stuff,” he half asked. 

“That is a conversation for another day. The last thing I want to think about while I'm on a boat is getting on another boat at some point in the future,” I sighed as I thought I was going to throw up again, but it was a false alarm. 

“I'm sorry you're so sick, my love,” he sighed sounding slightly annoyed, but I just let it pass. 

Once we were finally back on land, I had never been so grateful, and we were almost immediately attacked by bandits which gave me the opportunity to try out my new sword. If I couldn't have two daggers, this was very nearly as good as two daggers. I made a mental note to write Aveline and thank her every way possible. As we continued on I began feeling as though I was actually better with the star blade than I was with my daggers. I actually did feel like the old me during that journey. 

“You are scary good, Elle, maybe even better than you used to be,” Hawke said in amazement after a fight. I just smiled broadly at him, I was proud of myself for a change. 

“Yeah I am, and maybe. This sword is amazing, Hawke. I can't even imagine what I could have done with two arms and this blade. This thing is fucking unbelievable. I can't believe Aveline just gave it to me,” I exclaimed.

“That Aveline is pretty amazing in her own way. But she's not even half as amazing as you,” he said and without thinking he pulled me into a kiss. I wasn't thinking either and I just went with it. It felt like that one month we had before Adamant again. I finally came to my senses and pulled away as I awkwardly stared at the ground. “I'm sorry, I was just overcome. I didn't think, I'm sorry. But, you did kiss me back, don't think I didn't notice that,” he teased which made me laugh and immediately feel comfortable again. I grinned him.

“Well I can't really be blamed, you're kind of extremely attractive for an old guy,” I teased him causing him to laugh.

“I cannot wait to show you the things this old guy can do. Old guy my ass,” he scoffed, making me laugh even more. 

“Isn't it your nap time?” I asked as I began walking in front of him on the path we were taking. He caught me off guard when he spun me around and pinned me against a tree as he began kissing me much more intensely. 

“When I have you again, I will make your scream so much that you won't be able to speak for a week,” he growled in my ear and if I said I was unaffected by his words, I would have been a liar. There was nothing I wanted more than him at that moment. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressed my body firmly against his and kissed him back. I had only seen this side of Hawke one time before he had left Adamant. As he was grabbing at my clothes, and I jumped up to wrap my legs around him, which was when he stopped what he was doing.

“What are you doing? Don't stop,” I gasped.

“As much as I want you right now, this isn't the time or the place. I would hate for you to regret this, and I know you well enough to know that you're still conflicted, and that's not the time for this,” he explained. I sighed as I smiled at him and gave him one more kiss before lowering my legs. I pulled him down to hug tightly.

“I love you, Hawke,” I whispered in his ear.

“You're getting there anyway,” he said with a wink. 

The day finally arrived that we made our way back to the base of operations, and as soon as I saw it in the distance I felt an uneasiness, as if that depression I had been doing so well at fighting off was just looming ahead. I saw it and I could only feel the misery I had felt for so long, I saw all my heartbreak, all my despair. I didn’t want to go back. I didn’t want to be inquisitor anymore, or at least not how I had started acting as inquisitor. The closer we got to the house, the more I wanted to run away. I was too wrapped up in my own emotions and thoughts to realize that Hawke had been unusually quiet. When we got to the gate was when I realized he hadn’t said a word since the house had come into sight either. 

“You don’t want to be here, do you?” I asked softly when my hand on the gate, not opening it. He looked down at me and smiled as he sighed. 

“I want to want to be here for you, but no, I don’t want to be here. I keep replaying the last thing you said to me in that house, and I have to be honest with you, it doesn’t feel great,” he admitted and then began staring at his feet. I removed my hand from the fence, and placed it under his chin to make him look at me. I smiled at him and then pulled him down into a kiss. The kiss morphed into a hug and I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tightly. 

“I don’t want to be here either,” I whispered into his ear. He pulled away from me with a confused look on his face. 

“Then why did we come back?” He asked me. I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. 

“I thought I had to, but I’m not so sure. I do at least need to check in with whoever’s here,” I said and finally opened the gate. He trudged along behind me as we made our way inside. As soon as we stood in front of the door the door I felt like I had to tell him something, “You do know that when I said I didn’t love you that day, it was total and complete bullshit, right?” I asked him because it was still weighing heavy on my heart thinking of the discomfort he was feeling because of those words I had said. He nodded and then shrugged his shoulders. 

“I do, but I didn’t then. It felt real then. I know that part of your training as an assassin is to be convincing, you are supposed to personify the lie. But that day, you really sold it, Elle,” he said as he brought a hand to the back of his neck to rub nervously. 

“When I told you I didn’t love you, and I didn’t think I could love you, it killed me to say it. What little bit of me hadn’t already died felt like it did that day. I was so very depressed, I truly believed I had nothing to live for. And the thing about depression, when it has it’s claws in you, you almost don’t want to let it go. I needed you to be gone so that I could continue to dwell in that sorrow. I wish I had a better way of describing it, but that’s what it felt like,” I attempted to explain, but I felt like I was failing miserably. 

“I can understand that, it’s like an addiction. It was how you came to understand living your life,” he said, and I smiled at him. Of course he would know what I meant even when I couldn’t find the words to say it. I just nodded. 

“I do love you, Garrett Hawke, and I am trying to figure out where that fits. I’m sure you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of going through something. It’s like you sending those annulment papers woke me up. And I’m just now figuring out how to live my life instead of what I had been doing when you were gone. Just trust that I am trying,” I said softly and cupped his face in my hand. 

“I know you are,” he whispered and placed his hand over mine and pulled my hand to his lips to kiss my palm. “It means everything to me that you are trying,” he added. I smiled at him with a nod of my head, and then took my hand back to knock on the door. Blackwall was the one to open the door and his face lit up when he saw me. 

“Blackwall!” I exclaimed when I saw him and I knew my face reflected his happiness. I truly did owe Blackwall more than anyone would truly know. He talked me of metaphorical ledges, and a couple of literal ones. If he hadn’t been one of the few people to not give up on me, I knew I would be dead. I was flooded with that gratitude and I wrapped my arms around him and he swung me around. 

“You, my lady, are a sight for sore eyes,” He said as he set me down and then turned to face Hawke, “Good to see you again Hawke,” he said and extended his head. 

“Good to see you too, Blackwall,” Hawke said as he took his hand, and then he pulled Blackwall into a hug. “Thank you for being there for her when I couldn’t be,” Hawke said as he hugged Blackwall. 

“I was about to say the exact same thing,” I said with a big smile at Hawke. What I loved most about him was how often we found ourselves on the same wavelength. “Blackwall, you saved my life, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that,” I said, reiterating the sentiments Hawke just expressed. 

“It was really nothing,” Blackwall said as he blushed. 

“It wasn’t nothing,” I said and hugged him again. 

“I didn’t actually think you would come back. They’re off looking for the next you,” Blackwall informed me, and Hawke and I immediately made eye contact and smiled at one another. As though Blackwall could read our minds he added, “Should I tell them you came back? Or maybe after a week or so I could forget I saw you two? No one will be back for another few weeks, so you could have at least two weeks to rest up.” I could have kissed him. 

“Oh Blackwall, you are truly the best. I think we’ll rest and discuss it. But I think we’re leaning to forgetting I was here?” I said to Blackwall, but was asking Hawke. 

“I think we might be leaning that way, or maybe we may come to our senses and realize that you may regret abandoning the inquisition that you really loved?” Hawke asked back, and I sighed deeply realizing that was definitely a possibility. 

“Yes, I think we just need to think about what our next move will be. For now, let’s keep our return quiet until we make a decision,” I said and all of us could agree with that. 

Garrett and I set down all of our stuff and then took turns bathing, we were both pretty ripe by that point. I went out inspecting the property to make sure everything was okay, but I did that mostly out of habit, it started as just going on a walk. While I did that, Hawke insisted on cooking a nice big dinner for all of us, and Blackwall ended up joining me on inspecting the property, and anytime we came across anything that wasn’t up to par, he would quickly fix it. 

“You’re never going to be able to give this up,” Blackwall chuckled as we were about half way through the inspection. 

“Maybe I could. Maybe I could find a cottage in the middle of the woods, reading my days away. Sounds relaxing,” I said optimistically. 

“Sounds boring,” he said with a grin, and I laughed at him and rolled my eyes. 

“You’re right, it sounds awful. Maybe I could continue working for the inquisition, but let someone else be inquisitor,” I thought aloud.

“I like the sound of that. What does your husband think?” He asked, which made me realize that me showing up with Hawke would give the impression that he and I were still married.

“Oh, Hawke's not my husband anymore. But we didn't actually discuss it until you presented the option of leaving. I think he wanted to talk about it tonight,” I said as i kicked at some sticks.

“So you got the marriage annulled, huh?” He asked with a curious look, almost a hopeful look. I didn't want to take that hope away from him, but I also couldn't string him along it would be selfish and I couldn't do that to him.

“We did, but only just so that we can start over. I couldn't figure out how to be his wife. So we're figuring out what we are. I love him, that's about all I know, but I think that’s a good place to start from,” I explained. I could tell he suspected as much, so he wasn't crushed or anything when I told him. “But in another world where I was actually a widow, it could just as easily be you. I really cared for you, I still do. You saved me more times than you know, and you will always be in my heart for that,” I added as I placed my hand on his forearm and kissed his cheek.

“I think I knew how many times. I could always see it in your eyes. But even if he had died, you never would have stopped loving him. I never expected anything more than what we had. Truthfully I think I needed to save you as much as you needed to be saved. It kind of gave me a sense of resolution, evening the scales in a way,” he said with a smile and patted my hand on his arm. I smiled at him and felt really good about everything in that moment.

“Well, now that we got that out the way, let's head back,” I said, still smiling at him, and pulled my hand away lead the way home. I decided the other half of the inspection could wait for another day.

The two weeks where it was just the three of us was some of the best times I'd had. We spent most nights sitting around a fire, drinking, laughing, and generally having a good time. I was happy that Blackwall was there because it helped me ease into a comfortable place with Hawke. Slowly but surely I started noticing less anxiety around him, and more comfort. I could have spent the rest of my life living with those two men spending our days working the land and the nights drinking and laughing. Even if that was as far as I'd get with Hawke, I'd be alright. That comfort felt better than anything had in a long time. 

One evening in the middle of our drinking session, Blackwall decided to retire to his room early, he clearly noticed something I missed because he gave me a funny look as he left. I just looked at Hawke to see what he had done. He was smiling at me, and grabbed hand when I turned to face him. 

*We haven't really had a chance talk, just you and I, since we got here,” he started saying.

“I know, I'm sorry, I just feel like the three of us have so much fun together, I forget that time is a thing that I need set pieces of it aside for you. I've just really enjoyed feeling so comfortable for a change,” I sighed and leaned back so that I was lying on my back looking up at the stars, “it feels weird for me to love it here,” I added.

“You want to stay, don't you?” He asked. I didn't respond immediately, I just squeezed his hand while I looked at the stars.

“No, but I want to know that it's here for me anytime I want to come back. I don't think I should be inquisitor anymore, I can't help the Inquisition as the Inquisitor. But I do still want to help the Inquisition,” I finally explained.

“I think as long as there's breath in your lungs, you're going to want to help the Inquisition,” he pointed out which made me chuckle.

“Yes, you're probably right. But what do you want to do, Garrett? I don't want you to stay if you don't want to be here,” I speculated and sat up to look at him. He just looked up at the stars for a moment and then back at me. 

“I want to be wherever you are. If that's with the Inquisition, then I'm with the Inquisition. You're where I want to be,” he said. I shook my head and laughed as I laid back down.

“I'll never understand how you could be so dedicated to me. How you can be so certain of us when I'm not sure of anything. It amazes me and terrifies me,” I sighed. He decided to lie down beside me and continued to hold my hand. 

“There has only ever been one thing I've ever been certain of in my life and that's you and me. I never believed in a sure thing, to me there was no such thing. But you and me, we're a sure thing Elle. I know that to be a truth, I feel it in my bones, in my veins, in my heart, my skin, my lungs when I breathe you in, my lips when they touch your skin, my eyes when they see your eyes. All of you was made for all of me, and I believe I was made for you too. I'm never giving up on that,” he explained softly as we laid there staring at the stars. It brought tears to my eyes and I let go of his hand to try to wipe them away, but he stopped me by grabbing my hand and leaning up on his elbow so he could look down at me. “I love you, so much, Elle,” he added as he stared at me. I closed my eyes and pulled an arm over my eyes.

“I don't think I can,” I began to say but he cut me off.

“Don't think,” he whispered and pulled my arm off of my face, “look at me,” he continued to whisper. I opened my eyes to look at him and a few more tears fell. “Don't think, just tell me what you're feeling,” he whispered. 

“I feel happy, I feel sad, excited, confused, scared. And I love you so much too, Garrett. I don't know about being made for each other, I only know that there has only ever been one man I knew how to love, and I never figured out how to stop. I hope I never figure it out because I never want to stop loving you. That's all I know. I don't know if that's enough,” I cried. He bent his head down to meet my lips with his. 

Hawke and I laid there under the stars kissing and talking until late in the night. It was like the nights we used to have, taking about anything and everything thought of. For a brief moment that night I felt like a whole person again. Eventually we were too tired to keep going and finally made our way inside to our rooms, but I went to bed with hope that night, I remember when I last felt hope, but I never wanted to lose it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter, and then I have to bring this one to a close. It got way more emotional than I was originally intending. There's some more angst in the next chapter, but they definitely get their happy ending.


	7. Never Going Back Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inquisitor struggles with her relationship and finds herself in a dark place before being pulled back from the farthest depths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gets pretty dark, but it doesn't stay there. I decided to make this the last chapter, because I just couldn't see this going anywhere else. And it got a little darker than I intended, so I didn't feel like exploring that too much farther.

I still wasn't a hundred percent sure what Hawke and I were going to do, but I was still there when Leliana returned. She seemed genuinely happy to see me, and even happier to see me happy. Cullen arrived with her as well, and I was equally happy to see both of them. It made me miss our days at skyhold when I worked with them everyday. It especially made me miss Josephine, and all my other friends. We didn't discuss any Inquisition business when they arrived, the three of us spent half the day catching up with each other because Leliana and Cullen had only just met up shortly before arriving the estate. At dinner was when business finally came up.

“So you and Hawke are still here, does that mean you are still our Inquisitor? Because to be completely honest with you, we've been looking for a replacement Inquisitor in case you didn't return,” Leliana explained. I glanced at Hawke who was sitting across from me, and he smiled and shrugged at me indicating it was my call, he supported whichever decision i made. 

“I'm not sure that I'm the right material for the Inquisitor anymore. I feel that if I maintained that position I would be doing a disservice. But I would like to be an advisor of sorts to the new Inquisitor. I want serve the Inquisition, but I wouldn't be doing that as the Inquisitor,” I explained. That received mixed reactions from Leliana and Cullen. Cullen seemed upset, but Leliana looked as though she completely understood. 

“I must beg you to reconsider, there is no one as capable as you to be our Inquisitor. I know you've have a rough couple of years, but with Hawke having returned, shouldn't that help?” He asked.

“Even with Hawke back, I'm not the same person I was, Cullen. It was a rough couple of years. No, it was more than rough, it destroyed me. I don't know that I'll ever regain what I lost. And to maintain the role would be unfair to all of you, but also unfair to me. I served the Inquisition as best as I could as Inquisitor, now I need to serve it some other way,” I tried to explain, but he didn't seem to understand. He was going to start saying something, but Leliana spoke up before he could.

“Cullen, surely you of all people understand how tragedy can change a person, real or imagined. We will respect your decision Elle, but know that no matter who we ask, you can take the role back anytime,” she explained. I smiled and nodded and I saw Cullen sightly register an understanding for my decision. “Having said that, Hawke, what about you? Before Elle showed up and saved our asses, you were our original choice. How would you feel about being our new Inquisitor?” Leliana asked Hawke. He glanced over at me but I'm sure my face looked as shocked as he felt. 

“I appreciate the consideration, Leliana, but I think I have to decline. Wherever she goes, I'm going,” Hawke said.

“Maybe we should talk about it before you completely dismiss it, Hawke. I don't want you to turn it down just because of me. If you're even slightly interested in the offer, we should discuss that,” I explained because I didn't want him to pass on something just because he thought I wanted him to. He gave me a look that I thought resembled disappointment, which I didn't immediately understand. I shot him a quizzical look, but he didn't answer it at all. 

“Perhaps I should sleep on it, I'll give you an official answer in the morning depending on what the previous Inquisitor decides,” he said sarcastically, not hiding his annoyance remotely. He just stood from the table and disposed of the food left on his plate, and set his plate in the sink. He then stormed out the back door. I quickly jumped from my seat and followed him.

“What was that about?” I asked him as soon as I was outside.

“More than I know how to verbalize right now,” he huffed. 

“Can you at least try to tell me?” I asked.

“It's not even about you not trusting my choice, but you had started calling me Garrett again this past week. But then in there it's back to Hawke. That makes it seem as though you only call me Garrett because you know I like to hear you say it. It's really fucking manipulative,” he explained as he got more mad. 

“I'm sorry. I called you Hawke in there out of habit. I haven't talked ABOUT you much since you returned, so I'm just used to saying Hawke when I'm speaking about you,” I said. He was right, I had intentionally been calling him Garrett, it was a very conscious choice every time I said it, but it wasn't to manipulate him. Rather than talking about why, I tried to deflect. 

“But that's just it, you weren't talking about me, Elle, you were talking TO me,” he pointed out and i let out a sigh as I turned around and leaned my back against the wall next to him.

“You're right, I have been trying to call you Garrett, but not for the reason you think. Of course i know how much you enjoy being called Garrett, because it was almost my pet name for you. I only called you Hawke when I was mad at you. But then you just became Hawke after I thought you died. I started calling you Garrett again to try to remind myself what it felt like when I called you that. It wasn't your feelings I was trying to manipulate, it was mine,” I explained and hung my head. He let out a deep frustrated breath. I knew he was mad, I wasn't explaining myself well because it ended up sounding like I was trying to convince myself to be in love with him. He didn't say anything, he just stormed back inside and I heard him tell Leliana he accepted her offer. She informed him that could wait until morning to officially accept. Then he went to his room. I stayed outside looking at the stars. I probably should have went in there to talk to him, but I wanted to give him time to cool off. Eventually i heard the door open and looked up hoping to see Hawke, but instead saw Leliana. 

“Still trying to find your groove?” She asked referring my mine and Hawke's relationship. I nodded and sighed.

“It just feels like we take several steps forward, but then I mess everything up and we end up farther back than before. It's so frustrating. I wish I could be the person he remembered, and I'm trying really hard to be, but it's just taking longer than I would like,” I explained. She reached over and squeezed my hand. 

“Stop trying so hard. You could spend the rest of your life trying to be the person you were and it won't work. You're a different person, Elle, and no one, not even Hawke, can blame you for that. You did what you had to do to get by. You're stronger now, more capable, and to go back to who you used to be would unravel all of that. I think you need to talk to him about it, I doubt he expects you to be who you were. He loves you unconditionally, and that is truly something rare. Quit trying so hard, it will come the moment you let go,” Leliana explained. I smiled at her as a few tears escaped and then wrapped my arms tightly around her.

“Thank you, Leliana,” I whispered. I then parted from the hug and ran inside. I tried knocking on the door of Hawke's room, but there was no answer.

“Can we please just talk? I didn't explain myself clearly before, and I want to try again,” i said through the door. That's when he opened it.

“Want another chance to tell me what I want hear just to try to somehow force yourself to feel something you don't? Look, I would rather you be honest and tell me you don't love me like you did the last time I was here instead of lying. You don't have to force yourself to love me just because you think I want that. You don't owe me anything, if anything I owe you. So I'm going to start paying off debt. I'm going to accept the role of Inquisitor, I'm not going to continue making you feel like you have to love me, because you don't,” he explained and I opened my mouth to talk but he stopped me, “please don't say anything because honestly, I'm not sure I would believe you right now,” he added and I felt that pain in my chest again, it felt like a squeezing on my heart. I couldn't breathe or even speak. He then closed his door in my face. I stood there in shock for several minutes. I couldn't process what was happening or why. Was this all just because I called him Hawke? I decided I wasn't going to stick around to be humiliated for a second time in front of those people. I went to my room and grabbed my bag before i stormed out of the house. I jumped on my horse and rode off. I wasn't about to put up with that bullshit. 

I rode my horse through the night unsure of even where I was heading. I had no idea what I was doing, I was just running. For the first time in a long time I had the option to run away from my problems. It was freeing in a sense. When times would seem difficult, or even impossible, I was the Inquisitor and I didn't have the option to run. Now that I officially stepped down it was a new avenue for me. I rode until I was ready to fall off the horse. I decided to stop at a tavern to see if they had a room, and I was in luck when they rented it to me. I crashed and slept most of that day. When I awoke I went down to the tavern to have an ale. 

“I don't believe it, if it's not the Inquisitor herself, hey there, boss,” I heard the Iron Bull say as he sat next to me at the bar, “what in the fuck are you doing here? Last I heard you bailed,” he added. I couldn't help but smile when I heard him and nodded.

“I did. As of yesterday, I officially bailed. You're looking at the former Inquisitor,” I said and began drinking my ale. 

“So where's your dead husband?” He asked and all I could do was sigh, “that bad, huh?” 

“No, it's actually really stupid. I'm still not totally sure what happened. And he's actually not my husband anymore. I made him really mad, and now he's actually the new Inquisitor,” I informed him.

“How did you make him mad? I honestly can't imagine him being mad at you for anything. I mean you could probably fuck me and he wouldn't be mad,” he said and I laughed. I then proceeded to tell him what happened. “I guess I can see why that made him mad. I get that you didn't mean it that way. But you told him you didn't love him before you got your annulment. Sounds like it broke the poor guy’s heart. And then you try to explain why you called him Hawke, and you fail miserably, making it sound like you were saying you didn't love him again. I understand what you meant, but I can also understand why he reacted the way he did. I wish I had advice for you, but I'm not sure what you can do besides give him some space so that he can miss you. Then he'll be more open to hearing you out. But then that's definitely manipulation. I'm heading there in the morning, do you want to go back with me?” He asked and I shook my head.

“I appreciate the offer, but i need to stop forcing myself back on him every time I hurt him. Maybe he's better off without me,” I sighed and finished up my second ale. “Thanks for letting me vent, Bull,” I said as i stood up from the bar. He nodded and I just went to my room to cry until i fell back to sleep. 

I stayed at the tavern a few more days falling deeper and deeper into depression. I had myself convinced that because I gave up on Hawke when he wasn't really dead, the maker decided I didn't get to be happy with him ever again. When I gave up on him, I gave up all claims on my own happiness. The more I was alone, the lower i sank. One morning I decided to leave the tavern, partly because I didn't take very much money with me, and I thought getting out in the woods again would help with my depression. I rode for an entire day and set up camp wherever I ended up as the sun set. I had no idea where I was, and I decided that I needed to stay there until I could figure out what to do next. I was there for almost a month and actually convinced myself that living in the woods was probably best for me. I couldn't hurt anyone else if I was far away from people. But over that month my outlook grew darker and darker until one day I decided the world would be better off without me in it. The day I decided that, someone found me. 

“I've been looking for you for weeks now,” I heard someone say as they entered the clearing where I was camped. I recognized the voice as Blackwall's.

“Can you just pretend you never found me?” I asked him, wanting him to just go away.

“Afraid not. Inquisitor's orders,” he said.

“If you ever cared about me, you would just go back Blackwall,” I challenged.

“I'm not going anywhere. Orders or not. I've seen that look before my lady, and all due respect, I'm not leaving so long as I see it,” he said which immediately made me burst into tears.

“All I do is hurt people, I'm tired of it. All of it. I don't want to keep going if all I'm going to do is hurt the people I care most about. I even hurt you, I knew how you felt and I just went along with it. I'm a horrible person, Blackwall. You should hate me, and just leave me be,” I cried. He moved to sit next to me and grabbed my hand.

“If you know how I feel, then you know why I can't just leave you be. I love you Elle, maker knows I do, but not how you think. At one point I did, but now it's more of a kinship. We're kindred spirits, Elle, and no matter what you're going through I'm always going to feel that for you. So we can stay here for a little while if you'd like, we can go back to the base, it's entirely up to you where we go, but it's going to be you and me until I believe you're okay. Then I'll tell Hawke whatever you want me to. But I'm not leaving you, you need me,” he said and wrapped an arm around me to hug me.

“You're not a very good Inquisition agent if you'll just tell them whatever I tell you to,” I teased causing him to smile. 

“Just between you and me, I never joined the Inquisition, I joined you. I saw a pretty young woman and I followed like the old pervert I am,” he teased back actually making me laugh. I then just laid my head on his shoulder, “thank you,” I added in a whisper.

“When I say anytime, I mean it,” he said. 

We stayed there in my camp for a little less than a week. We did a lot of talking, walking, sitting around not saying anything. All of it, every second, felt necessary. Finally he convinced me to go back. I didn't want to, but I knew that I had to. I had to make things right with Hawke, it was wrong of me to let him go that long thinking I didn't love him. It was spiteful of me to do that. So I knew I had to go back, and then I'd take a job and go wherever that sent me. I would just keep busy to avoid sinking into that depression again. It took Blackwall and I a few days to make it back to the Inquisition base, and as we got closer Hawke came outside to meet us. The moment I saw him I smiled involuntarily until I remembered what I had to do, and then I felt that paralyzing anxiety. 

“I can't do this,” I said under my breath to Blackwall when I felt the urge to turn and run.

“Yes you can, my lady,” he said and moments later we were stopping right in front of Hawke. He seemed just as nervous to see me, but after an awkward moment, he pulled me into his arms and hugged me. 

“Thank the maker you're okay,” he whispered into my hair. I didn't return the hug, I just stood there confused. All the time I spent alone I had convinced myself that he didn't love me, and maybe i couldn't love him even though I thought I did. 

“Yes, well now that you've seen it for yourself, I'll be on my way,” I said after stepping back.

“No, have a good meal and rest for the night,” he said with a hopeful smile.

“Is that an order?” I asked him and that seemed to get under his skin. He scowled at me for a moment.

“Yes, it's an order. You need to rest and you need to check in regularly for updates. It's reckless to run off without letting anyone know where you are,” he argued.

I didn't respond to him, I just took my bag inside and dumped in the room I usually stayed in. I then collapsed on the bed, and I had most certainly missed a bed. I sighed deeply and then decided I could use a bath. Washing up in whatever stream I could find couldn't compare to a bath. I went around collecting logs to light for a bath, as well as hauling water in to the tub. 

“Here let me get that,” Hawke called out as I started to fall over with two buckets of water. He saved one that would have otherwise spilled

“Thank you, Inquisitor, but I don't need any help,” I said and reached to jerk the bucket of water from him, but he pulled his arm away so I couldn't reach it. 

“I insist,” he said and began leading the way inside, I just trudged along behind him. “Don't bother with a fire, I'll heat it up for you,” he mentioned as we dumped the water into the tub. 

“Why are you helping me?” I asked as he began heating up the water. 

“You know why,” he whispered. 

“No, I don't. You all but told me you were done. You didn't want to hear anything I had to say. Has anything changed?” I snapped at him. 

“I didn't mean it. I was mad. How was I supposed to know you would up and run away like that? I went to talk to you the next morning to apologize and you were just gone. You wouldn't even be here now if I hadn't sent Blackwall to find you,” he argued and pulled his hand away from the water.

“You're right, I wouldn't be here. Please leave now, or are you going to make me bathe with you in the room?” I asked as I began unbuttoning my shirt. He stood there and gulped hard clearly not sure what to do. When I pulled my shirt off and started on my breeches, he finally came to his senses. 

“No, of course not,” he coughed and quickly left the room. Part of me wished he'd stayed a little longer, but it was a very small part. 

I finally removed every article of clothing and was able to skip into the bath, and it felt like pure bliss. Every muscle in my body began relaxing immediately. It made me realize just how long two months really was without a bath. I never wanted that bath to end, but eventually the water began to cool. I sighed and begrudgingly climbed out of the bath. As I was gathering my clothes there was a knock at the door. 

“Elle, are you still in there?” Hawke asked outside the door. I groaned in response, I didn't want to do this with him. I just wanted to keep running and never deal with this again as I was clearly terrible at this. I would never have that comfortable easy relationship again with him because it just wasn't the same anymore. The first time it was a natural progression for us, now it's all forced and impossible. “I'll take that as a yes, can we please just talk?” He asked. 

“No, I don't think we can. Talking is what led here. Look, we tried, Hawke, and didn't work. Why keep putting ourselves through that? Let's just leave it at you the Inquisitor and me an agent of the Inquisition,” I suggested and finally opened the door with all my clothes in my arms and walked past him to my room. He followed along until I was walking into my door.

“Can I please come in? Please?” He pleaded. I just let out a frustrated sigh and stepped to the side to let him in. He walked in and sat on my bed. Before he could talk I walked up to him and climbed into his lap, straddling his legs, and met his lips with mine. 

“Why waste time with taking?” I whispered into his ear and pulled my towel off. 

“We shouldn't do this,” he breathed heavily as his hands made their way down my back and grabbed handfuls of my ass. 

“Kind of seems like you want to, though,” I whispered back and began grinding my hips against his. 

Hawke tilted his head back and groaned. He pulled his head back up with lust in his eyes. He leaned forward to kiss me, and I quickly began pulling his shirt up over his head, and then unlacing his breeches. Just as I got the laces undone, he picked me up and laid me down on the bed as he removed his breeches and small clothes. He then climbed on top of me kiss me once more before we officially went too far. It had been so long since I had been with Hawke, or anyone. He was the last person I slept with and that was before he disappeared for three years. I tried to not let the sex feel like anything more than sex, I tried to just enjoy it. When he brought me to climax I actually began crying. I just turned my head to the side as I rode it out so he wouldn't see me cry. He placed his hand on the side of my face and forced me to look at him. He wrapped his arms tightly around me as he finished. He laid there on top of me, his arms around me, and held me tightly for a long time. I finally just pushed him off and sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Can you just leave? Was that enough for now?” I asked as I held my head in my hands and started crying all over again. He sat up and placed a hand on my back. “Please just leave Hawke,” I cried. 

“I'm not going to leave you when you're like this. Tell me what's going on, you seem like you did when I first returned,” he soothed.

“When Blackwall found me, I was planning on dying that night. And then I got dragged back here,” I sobbed and he wrapped his arm tightly around me. His other arm cradled my head and he kissed my hair. 

“This was all my fault. I'm so sorry, I should have just let you explain,” he whispered.

“I did love you, so much, and I hated that you thought I didn't. I just wanted it to be like it was before, and I thought getting myself used to saying your name again would help. But I'm just so terrible at talking sometimes,” I continued to cry. 

“I was so on edge being back in the place where you told me you didn't love me, maybe I was looking for that hurt again in places that it wasn't. I'm so so sorry Elle,” he sighed. I tilted head up to kiss him. 

“I shouldn’t have just done that with you, and I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to talk or feel anything. I just wanted to feel good. Little did I know what all that would make me feel so much more,” I apologized and stood up to wipe myself off and get dressed. 

“I am actually glad it happened, I think we’ve needed that since I got back. I maybe regret the reasons behind it, but I don’t regret that we did it,” he sighed and fell back onto my bed. He was so attractive that it was hard for me to focus, all I could do was stare at his perfect body. 

“Maker you are so good looking,” I sighed, and he tilted his head to look at me, and chuckle a bit at the way I was staring. 

“You are even more so, believe me,” he sighed and laid back again. 

“Shouldn’t you be getting dressed, don’t you have inquisitor stuff to do?” I asked. 

“No, I don’t have to be anywhere but here. I’m not leaving this room until we’re good,” he said. 

“Aren’t you at least going to get dressed?” I asked with a laugh. 

“Probably not, I’m not even sure why you are. Get back in this bed with me. We can sleep, do it again, and then talk. Or we can sleep, talk, and then do it again,” he suggested as he sat up and grabbed me by the waist to pull me back down on the bed with him. I giggled a little as I fell on top of him. I laid on top of him and looked down into his eyes, and dipped my head down to kiss him. 

“Or do it again, sleep, do it again, sleep, and then I’ll go,” I said with a sigh as I felt him firm up again. 

“Or we do it again, and sleep every day forever, no going away for either one of us,” he sighed and rolled us over so he was on top of me. He pulled my legs up to his side, and easily pushed inside of me, causing me to moan. I didn’t say anything else that night. Once we were finished we both fell asleep. It was the best sleep I’d had in a long time. I didn’t have time to overthink, I didn’t cry myself to sleep, I just fell into a blissful slumber. 

The next morning I woke up before Hawke, and I slipped out of bed, and very quietly got dressed and gathered my things. I slipped out of the door without waking him. I assumed everyone was still asleep, but when I stepped outside, Blackwall was sitting out watching the sunrise. I was going to try to leave without him noticing, but he saw me the second I stepped out the door. 

“Leaving so soon?” He asked. 

“I’m not capable of doing what he wants me to. He wants that rest of our lives kind of thing, and maybe I can’t commit to that,” I sighed, and he laughed, “What?” I asked. 

“Because you’ve been involved with so many people? Don’t want to settle down because of all the people you want to be with?” he asked, and I rolled my eyes as I grinned. 

“I mean, all I’m going to do is disappoint him. Who wants a lifetime of disappointment?” I asked. 

“Trust me, he was more disappointed in himself than he ever was in you. It wasn’t anything you did, it was him. You blaming yourself for that isn’t right, Elle. You’re being too hard on yourself,” he gently explained as he grabbed my hand. “And he wasn’t the only one that missed you, my lady,” he added. I looked at him and nodded. I pulled him to his feet so that I could hug him. 

“I love you too, Blackwall,” I whispered into his ear as I hugged him. 

“I know, my lady,” he said with a chuckle and kissed my cheek. “Just try to stay, please, for all of us,” he added, and I nodded again. I picked up my bag and headed back in. “You could sit out here for a bit if you wanted,” he added as I was heading back in. 

“I should probably get my stuff back inside so he doesn’t think I just ran away again,” I replied and he nodded as I went inside. I slowly entered the room and climbed back into bed after setting my stuff down. 

“Where’d you go?” Hawke asked groggily. I just ran my hand through his facial hair and sighed. 

“Just a morning walk,” I said. He nodded and fell back asleep. After a few minutes I felt his hands beginning to roam my body until he was trying to pull my shirt off. “Wait, just a second. I want to talk,” I whispered which is when he finally opened his eyes and smiled at me. He leaned forward to kiss me and continued his quest to unclothe me. “I'm serious, let's just talk for a second,” I reiterated and sat up. He sat up to with a more serious face, but all I could see was his perfect chest. I tried to stop myself from running my fingers through the hair on his chest but I couldn't. 

“Yeah, clearly talking is what you want,” he said and began working on unfastening the buttons on my shirt. I pulled my hands away and shook myself. 

“It is, it really is,” I said and pulled his hands off of me. “I almost ran away again this morning, and I wasn't going to tell you. But luckily Blackwall was there to talk sense into me, so I'm still here. I'm just so afraid I'm going to mess everything up again,” I explained and he sat up straighter and looked more serious. 

“Why are you so afraid of that? Do you remember before I left for Weisshaupt? We never had smooth waters by any means. We fought almost as much as we got along, but we would talk about it and move on. Sometimes we'd do more than talk,” he said with a smirk causing me to laugh.

“That's true,” I replied, thinking about what was so different now. Maybe I didn't feel as comfortable around him as I'd liked to believe. 

“So why is it that every time we argue now, that's just it? It's on both of us, I ran away when you said you didn't love me, you ran away when i said you didn't love me. Why can't we fight anymore?” He asked and held my hands in his. 

“Maybe we weren't as comfortable with each other as we thought we were. But after yesterday, I feel different. I know I was about to run away again, but coming back in, getting back in bed, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would have been. Talking to you now isn't as difficult as I assumed it would be. Maybe getting laid was all I needed,” I teased with a side grin causing him to laugh and he visibly relaxed. 

“I'm pretty sure I'm the one that's supposed to say sex could solve all our problems,” he teased, “but I agree, things definitely feel comfortable between us now. Oh so comfortable,” he said seductively and returned to removing my clothes. I went ahead and allowed it that time. 

“Are you mad that I was going to run away again?” I asked after we were done and lying there in the afterglow. 

“No, I get it. I only would have been mad if you hadn't come back. As long as we can either talk it out, or bang it out, I think we'll be okay,” he sighed and I smiled at him. 

“How about we always start with trying to bang it out first,” I teased and he laughed. 

“Always,” he agreed. 

“There is something else I wanted to talk about,” I said turning onto my side to look at him. 

“Anything you'd like,” he replied. 

“Well you might not like it. I have to do more than sit around here being just the plaything of the Inquisitor. I need to be out there helping. I really do want to be an agent because i know how much help the Inquisition needs,” I explained and he sighed. 

“You wouldn't just be a plaything. I had hoped you'd be my advisor,” he challenged. 

“I will advise your anytime you need, in between missions, like all the other advisors. I need to be out there working. You can always join me when need be, but i feel like I need to do this Hawke,” I explained and he nodded his head.

“I know, and I guess if I'm not being selfish, I would agree. But I just want share all of my days with you. But as the new Inquisitor, the lack of help is quite overwhelming, and having you step into the role of an agent would definitely help,” he agreed, then thought for a moment and pulled his hands to his head.

“What's wrong?” I asked him softly.

“When I said I wanted be wherever you are, I didn't mean everywhere you've been,” he sighed.

“You don't have to be their Inquisitor,” I suggested and he gave me a look of to imply I didn't believe what I'd just said.

“Neither did you,” he pointed out. 

Hawke and I eventually got dressed and emerged from my room. We had planned on getting work done that day, but we ended up spending our entire day walking around talking about our thoughts and feelings. We talked about our future and how we were going to manage this. I decided to stay around with him advising him for a little while. I mostly wanted to share this new place Hawke and I had found for as long as we could get away with. We got as much out of each day as we could, we never took any of our time together granted. We grew closer than we ever had been before, and within that time frame, he truly felt like soulmate again. After a couple months I felt as though we were finally in a good enough place as a couple, and he was in a good spot as the Inquisitor, that I could go out on missions. 

“I can't believe you're leaving me,” Hawke groaned as we were going over scout reports one day. I laughed at his random outburst. 

“I'm not leaving you, I'm temporarily going to be farther away, but most definitely coming back as soon as I have the information and hopefully more people,” I explained as I rubbed his forearm.

“Like I said, leaving me,” he pointed out and placed a hand on top mine.

“If I said I wasn't slightly afraid of going out on my own again, I'd be lying. Part of me is afraid I could fall back into my depression and get lost down there again,” I sighed, and leaned back in my chair. The moment I decided I was ready to leave that worry immediately took residence in my mind. “I don't think I will, but it's still a concern nonetheless. But I feel like we are in a place that works for us, and I can't imagine I would get upset about anything while I'm out there, but still. Last time I was off on my own, I almost killed myself,” I added as I sat back up. He took my hand and squeezed it. 

“I think I've come to understand that dark place of yours, and these are completely different circumstances. I can't imagine that we would get in a bad enough fight between now and a couple of days that would send you spiraling. If for any reason all you feel it creeping up on you, write me, or send a raven, and I will be there as as quickly as the wind can carry me. I swear to you,” he passionately explained and pulled me forward to give me a kiss. I nodded at him with a smile and cupped the side of his face. 

“Okay,” I agreed.

“And if you feel yourself slipping, what was it that helped pull you out of your funk?” He asked, and that was something I hadn't thought about while I was worrying about my depression. 

“Don't get mad, but Blackwall, actually. For some reason he has been the only one to reach me when I'm at my lowest lows. He's the only one that makes sense when I'm down there. But I don't feel any stress or anxiety that would normally trigger it,” I pointed out.

“Why would that make me mad? After everything he's done for you, Blackwall has become one of my favorite people. So if you sink back down, I'll bring Blackwall with me and we'll just pull you back up,” he said.

“Are you suggesting a threesome? Because, just for the record, I'd totally be into that,” I teased and he erupted in deep laughter. I loved when my jokes caught him off guard. 

“That was not what I was suggesting. I may not be as interested, just so you know. I love that somewhere along the way you became more perverted than me,” he teased.

“Here's a little known secret, eventually every woman becomes perverted, it just takes us longer to get there,” I seductively pointed out.

“That is valuable information,” he said and leaned forward to kiss me. “In all seriousness, there nothing that would stop me from finding you if you find yourself in need for any reason. I'm yours, and I always will be,” he continued.

“I love you, more than I can accurately describe right now,” i whispered and leaned my forehead against his. 

“And I, you,” he said and kissed me again. The kisses grew deeper and more intense until someone walked in the back door which was near the table we were sitting at.

“I swear every time I see you two, you're either sucking face or smiling like idiots,” the Iron Bull said as he entered the room causing us to laugh and smile at each other. “I like it,” Bull added. 

“I always knew you were the voyeuristic type,” I teased when I looked at Bull.

“Is that an offer, because you might be more right than you know,” he said with a wink, and the way he said it made my heart beat a little bit faster. I just chuckled and pulled Hawke to his feet and dragged him to the room we were sharing at that point. 

“Really, that got you hot?” Hawke asked as I pulled him to our room and I heard the Iron Bull laugh loudly from the kitchen. 

“Does it matter what got me hot?” I asked him and pulled off clothes. He didn't answer but was quickly on me. 

The day finally came for us to separate for my mission. Saying goodbye was difficult, but I was quite excited to be out on a mission again. It felt as though I was serving a purpose. I was gone about a month, and was greeted with much enthusiasm and excitement when I returned. That mission was important in helping me feel like I was useful and that I was still serving a purpose instead of feeling like more of a decorative piece. It reminded me how much I had loved going on missions before the Inquisition was shut down in the official capacity. I wasn't able to stay long before I was out on another mission. This became our pattern for about a year. I lived for the few days we had together each month, and it was enough to carry us along. Until something happened. When I returned from one of our missions, Hawke had been seriously injured and I found him in a wheelchair and stints on both of his legs. 

“What happened?” I cried when I entered the house and found him in a wheelchair. 

“A horse accident. He got spooked, jumped up knocked me loose and landed on my legs. There's only so much that magic can do for crushed legs. It's taking a lot longer than I anticipated, and I'm not sure that I'll have full function of my legs wherever they do heal. Best case scenario, I'll have to use a cane the rest of the my life,” he explained trying to keep an even tone, but I could see that it was more than his legs that were crushed, his spirit was suffering as well. 

“What's the worst case?” I asked in a whisper. I was afraid to hear the answer.

“I'm stuck in this thing because I don't regain any use of my legs,” he sighed and dropped his head. I bent down to turn his face up so that I could kiss him. 

“We will figure it out, no matter what the outcome is,” I promised. “Are you only injured here?” I asked gesturing to the stints on his shins to which he nodded. “So up here, you're not in pain or anything?” I asked.

“Honestly, I'm not in pain where I'm injured either, but that's because of a lot of potions,” he explained. 

“Well, can your legs take it if someone were to sit on them? Just as a completely unrelated example,” I said with a grin causing him to laugh. He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me onto his lap. I shifted around so that my legs were straddling his and I was facing him so that I could kiss him. He then wheeled us to his room. “Would offend you if I told an inappropriate joke entirely too soon?” I asked him. 

“It might, but tell me anyway,” he chuckled.

“This must be what it feels like to make out with Varric,” I joked and he immediately burst into hearty laughter. 

“Oh maker, you're terrible,” he laughed. 

“You're arms still work, right?” I asked him and he grinned at me and nodded, “then throw me on that bed already,” I whispered in his ear. For a mage, he'd always been very strong, and just because his legs were injured, it didn't make him less strong. He needed to see how strong he still was, and he easily lifted me to toss me on the bed. “Now get up here,” I pleaded and quickly began removing my clothes. He leaned forward to prop himself up on the bed and then used his arm strength to pull himself onto the bed and then climbed on top of me, because he could still put weight on his knees, everything else progressed without an issue. 

“Thank you,” he groaned after we were finished and he pulled me onto his chest.

“Believe me when I say pleasure was most definitely mine. Oh maker, so much pleasure,” I moaned which caused him to laugh. 

“What can I say? I live to please,” he teased causing me to laugh, “but seriously. I had been having a difficult time with this, but then you come in here and show me just how much I can still do,” he said and rubbed my arm that was resting on his chest.

“Any do you did,” I sighed, “After my arm, I gave up, but what I really needed was to see what I was still capable of,” I explained. He sighed and looked sad.

“I couldn't have imagined going two years thinking that this was it for me. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you,” he whispered and brought my hand up to kiss it. 

“Don't worry about it. It's behind us now,” I said and then climbed on top of him. “Now, let's just be sure of what all you can do,” I teased and we went at it again.

During that time between missions, I stayed a few weeks to make sure he was okay before I left again. Before I left the bones were almost healed in his legs and he was able to start getting some of the use in them back. It looked as though the best case scenario was going to be his reality, and I was truly happy for him. It was about a couple weeks into that mission that I realized something else big had happened, I was pregnant. That mission lasted longer than the others because Cullen and I were going around trying to reassemble our forces, he wanted to find his old troops first and he thought it would help having me be there. He thought if they could see the Inquisitor they had pledged their commitment, it would help sway a lot of them back. It turns out, Cullen knew what he was talking about, a lot of them were more than happy to rejoin as long as I was still there. By the time we returned, we had sent a dozen men and women to the new Inquisition base, and it was enough that i felt like it was a good time to take a break.

When we arrived back to the house, I loved seeing all the tents set up around it, it felt like the Inquisition I loved again. Even more exciting was seeing Hawke open the door. He was standing up holding a cane and walking. I smiled broadly at him and made my way to him. I wrapped my arms around him and held on for a long time just enjoying the happiness I was feeling. 

“I have some news,” Hawke said, which made laugh.

“So do I. What's yours?” I asked.

“I can walk again,” he sarcastically exclaimed.

“So this is how short you've always been?” I asked with a smirk making him laugh. 

“Leliana believes someone meant to defeat Solas has been found, they asked me to step down,” he explained, which only made me happier.

“I'm pregnant,” I whispered, and his face immediately reflected my happiness. 

I never knew a person could be so full of happiness that it could shine so brightly out of them, but that's how happy I was following the arrival of the new hero. Hawke and i stayed as advisors only while I was pregnant. After our baby boy born, I decided that we gave the Inquisition all we had to give and it was time to grow old together. I conceded to Hawke's request to move back to Kirkwall, and as soon as we arrived we decided to get married. The world was a scary place for what felt like forever at the time, Hawke and I had to constantly go out and do what we could to help protect the people of Kirkwall. But when it was all over, we survived. We did more than survive, we lived and we loved. It was never easy, but we always got through it together.


End file.
